How To Stick With Your Failing Relationship Like It’s A Low-Polling Democratic Candidate

john delaney

It’s hard to know when to call it quits on a relationship. No matter how bad things are going, some of us just like to stick it out as if we’re supporting a low-polling presidential candidate, pissing millions of donor dollars and staffer hours into the wind, in spite of absolutely zero chance of winning. Interesting in ignoring the sunk cost fallacy yourself? Here’s how to model your relationship after low-polling candidates who are also on the rocks.


Channel Your Inner White Guy

When you get down on yourself after another late night scream-fight with your partner and are thinking of calling it quits, just read all these names of people currently running for president who are so low on the radar that you probably don’t even recognize their names: Bennet, Bullock, Delaney, Moulton, Sestak, Steyer. You’re gonna need to channel that mediocre white guy politician confidence if you want to continue to persevere in the face of the not-a-chance-in-Hell odds that you’ll make it through this one.



Engage in Magical Thinking

The idea that the person you will spend the rest of your life with the person who actually hates you more than anyone in the world is like believing you can heal AIDS with visualizations. Polling at 1% and spouting strange campaign slogans like “Girlfriend, you are so on,” Williamson can never ever be the president, but she simply won’t drop out – just like you, girlfriend. And that’s why her blind confidence is the perfect role model for the stranglehold you’re maintaining on your very obviously dying relationship. Your friends are already talking about it.


Stoke Your Fears of Failure

As much of a relief as it might be to cut your losses and move on with your life, it’s important to steel yourself in the deep-seated fear of public failure. If you never admit it’s over, it can’t really be over, right? That seems to be the impetus of people like Bill de Blasio, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Tim Ryan, who continue crowding the field, potentially distracting from actual viable candidates, relentlessly hanging in there, despite never polling above 1%. Let your hateful romance be the zombie corpse that just won’t die until it is literally set on fire. It’s as good a way to choose leaders as it is to choose a partner.


Sure, your relationship will definitely end, but why not drag it out like one of the many, many people who forced themselves onto a debate stage of dozens, or better yet, those who continue to solicit donor money despite not even making it onto that stage. Stubbornness is fun and great for everyone involved!