How to Socialize if You’re an Introvert and Your Skin is Fused to Your Vinyl Sofa

Sweatpants - Reductress

First thing’s first—it’s okay to be shy! Introverts are valuable members of society, often contributing in ways that go unnoticed in the extrovert-dominated social structure in which we live. So remember that it’s okay to be totally afraid to socialize with the outgoing, happy-go-lucky types, or leave your apartment, or even move off your couch for months at a time now that your skin is fused to it. When you’ve got the blues, it’s tough to schmooze! But you still need to put yourself out there. Here’s how to be social in your own way, even when your skin is chemically amalgamated to the vinyl sofa you’ve occupied for the past several weeks.

Step 1: Breathe In, Breathe Out!

A healthy mind is key to being a sociable, happy person. Keep things in perspective and keep your thoughts placid, compassionate, and positive. Attitude is everything, so remember: You can’t possibly be the only person in this county who’s been fused to their sofa through months of sweaty inactivity and spilled beverages. Just take a breath, girl!



Step 2: Realize Your Goals, and Persevere!

Now’s when motivation moves aside and discipline comes in. Remember what keeps you going: passion, drive, the fact that you’re close enough to reach the fridge. You owe it to yourself to never stop pursuing your goals, even if you can’t physically move, haven’t had human contact in weeks, and smell like a corpse. A robust sense of direction aids in a positive and extroverted demeanor while making you feel awesome. Hang in there, couch lady!


Step 3: Apply Balm and Astringent, Then Wait a Couple Hours

Before you can actually stand up off of the sofa and put these new mindsets to good use, you’re gonna wanna slowly release the adhered parts of your skin from the couch for medical reasons. Apply some water-based balm, like Aquaphor, or apply some Chapstick-based Chapstick, if that’s all you can reach. Then give it a couple hours, slowly releasing your buttocks, back, legs, and left hand from the vinyl. Once the bleeding stops, apply the astringent! Now you’re good to go to Matt’s housewarming that—oh wait—that was three years ago. Huh. Well anyway, give Matt a call and see where he’s living these days!


Step 4: Just Do It!

You’re really gonna wanna say, “Hey, nah, I’ll just have another night to myself to think everything over a million times”. Well, snap out of it! You know that if you overcome your self-doubt, you’ll feel like a million bucks and be off your couch for once. Plus, other people’s houses have running water, since they’ve been able to pay their water bills since they’re not fused to their sofas, so you can use a toilet and not just a bedpan! Can you say “bathroom cry sesh”?



Step 5: Bandages!

Before you go out and be social, you’re gonna need to wrap up the open fresh skin that is now beginning the healing process. Don’t get a major infection while implementing new social strategies! Wrap up those tender lesions and hit the road—you’ve got family to reconnect with!


Step 6: Find Where You’re Comfortable—Unless It’s Another Vinyl Couch!

Go out there into the world and feel it out! You’re in no rush. Find people who enjoy the same things you do, let yourself be spontaneous, and try saying YES more! Chances are, you’ll find yourself among people just like you who love television, and reruns, and losing all contact with the world. However, if these people are sitting on or near a vinyl couch, you might wanna give those a break for a bit!


Well, there you have it—some easy steps for you to learn and make your own in attempt to become a bit more social if you’re an introverted soul with a problematic flesh wound that’s attached to your sofa!