Rent prices have risen to astronomical levels these days, but that doesn’t mean you have to succumb to them. In fact, you should be aiming to rise higher than them by living in a big, tall tree to prevent it from being chopped down. Interested? Here’s how you can save rent by shacking up in a giant sequoia and saying “Fuck you!” to the lumber companies:
Break your current lease and ghost your landlord.
You might be thinking, “I can’t break my lease! My landlord will screw me over!” However, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s simple: Your landlord won’t be able to track you down since you’ll be way up high. Get it? Credit scores don’t matter in the canopy. You answer to no one but gravity now, baby!
Find the biggest tree you can and pledge your life to it.
Ideally, you’ll head out West and find an imperiled sequoia or redwood to save. However, if you find a sturdy enough maple in your hometown, that works too! Just give your tree a perfect name that completely captures its essence, explain that you’ve read and learned the lessons from The Giving Tree, and promise to live and die protecting its roots and trunk and branches, and you should be good to go!
Exchange all your earthly possessions for tree possessions.
Tree possessions aren’t possessions made out of trees, but rather things like a hammock, ropes, hooks, etc. So pretty much just normal possessions, but for staying suspended in a tree. You’ll need to get rid of your dresser and bed and stuff though.
Get over your fear of heights.
Okay, you have to do this one quickly, because living in a tree is going to be hard if you physically can’t get up there. Think about it like this: you used to live in a six-story walkup, which is basically just a tree with walls and a roof and stuff to grab onto besides bark and branches. Does that help?
Talk some friends or environmental activists into bringing you food and water every week.
Now, this part’s a little tricky, but if you play your cards right, you should be saving on grocery expenses as well, all in the name of saving that big, beautiful tree you’ve got your ass planted in. You’ll be eating for free, living for free, and you’ll be an activist! It’s a total win – once you get used to the territorial blue jays and the feeling of constantly swaying in the wind.
If you follow these steps, you should be living in a tree and saving the world in no time! Who needs an apartment when you can simultaneously screw over your landlord and feel like you’re actually doing something to stop the lumber companies? Plus, the view is insane and the blue jays are actually pretty cool neighbors once you prove you’re not a threat to their young.
