In a world of vegan diets and viral PETA videos, it’s no wonder the cosmetic industry is trying to improve animal welfare. Increasingly, cosmetic companies are abandoning barbaric practices of testing on lab animals, but little do they know, those animals would fare better with this makeup than your own face, which is actually kind of hopeless. Here is a list of products that weren’t tested on animals, but would definitely look better on them than on you.
Kat Von D Eye Contour Palette (Sephora, $46)
This must-have palette made by Kat was tested on zero cats! But this does not guarantee that the product will improve your face. And if you’re considering using this product to prep for a new Insta post, just remember that you’d probably get more likes if you just posted a pic of a cat.
Everyday Minerals All Smiles Blush (Everyday Minerals, $13)
The rabbits whose lives were spared are adorable…your face, not so much. Look at yourself. You’re not even as hot as a rabbit. And I’m not even talking Jessica Rabbit, because that would be obvious. I mean, you’re not even as hot as a literal, red-eyed, always anxiously chewing-kind of rabbit. Not even with blush.
Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara (Sephora, $23)
I know what you’re thinking: “Better than sex? I wouldn’t know! I don’t really have sex all that often!” But hey, we don’t make the rules. We just rub them in your face. Which, as I’ve mentioned, is not as hot as the face of a lab rat.
Paul Mitchell Original Hair Repair Treatment (Ulta, $17)
Had scientists used this hair treatment on animals, the fur on those animals would become luscious, luminous, and vibrant. In stark comparison, this product leaves you looking vaguely greasy and therefore not as hot as any of those animals.
Ella + Mila Mango Pop Nail Polish (Amazon, $7)
We know what you’re thinking: There’s no way nail polish could look good on an animal, because they don’t even have nails, but this nail polish would look better on the teeny tiny claw of a teeny tiny rat that has never seen the light of day than it would on your sausage fingers.
Hats off to these brave companies for taking the humane approach to beauty! And hats off to you for getting out of bed every day, despite the unequivocal truth that the full potential of your beauty routine is absolutely lost on you. We’re not being cruel; we’re just being honest!