So, you’ve found a new hobby that’s perfect for getting you and your partner out of the house, into the city, and spending some much-needed quality time together. That’s awesome! You like running. That doesn’t have to be a crime! Even so, you’ve heard tales of couples who have fallen prey to the same promises, only to become extremely annoying about it. Here’s how you can run with your partner without being a “running couple.” You know the kind!
Do not speak of this outside of your home.
The best way to run with your partner without becoming a dreaded “running couple” is to keep that shit to your goddamn self. Your friends don’t care if you ran to Buffalo this morning, and if they say otherwise, they’re just trying to be nice. You can run, sure, but that doesn’t mean anyone else needs to hear about it. Let this be your dirty, unspeakable secret. Only run in the cover of darkness, when the birds have gone home and the streets are empty. There must be no witnesses to your madness.
Limit how far you go.
Statistically, being a “running couple” starts at mile seven. Running four miles, maybe even five – hell, even six – is crazy, but it’s not unconscionable. The second you hit seven miles with your beau, though, something terrifying happens. You’ll find yourselves buying “goo” and convincing other people it “actually tastes really good.” You’ll invest in way too many running clothes, including rain jackets for inclement weather and headlamps for darkness. There’s no turning back then: you’re a running couple. The only way to prevent this from happening is to run less than seven miles, and God – dear God – do NOT sign up for a half marathon. We do not care.
If you have to be vocal about your running, be vocal about how much it sucks.
Listen, you don’t have to mean it, but if you must tell the people in your life that you’ve been running, the least you can do is make it sound like a living hell. None of this “running has made me feel closer to both my partner and myself” shit. We want to hear about what a goddamn pain it is to get up early and how much of your social life you’ve had to sacrifice for these “idiotic little jaunts.” You’re not a “Running Couple” – you’re “Reluctant Fundamentalists.” Is that what that book’s about? No time to check!
If you and your partner must run, or perhaps if you even enjoy it, it is your civic duty to follow these steps and avoid becoming “one of them.” You know the ones! Happy trails!
