How To Not Die When Your Phone Does

It’s another day full of exciting possibilities, until you look down and realize that when you switched purses this morning, you forgot to take your phone charger. You go to check your phone’s battery level. Everything is black. Suddenly, you find that you are literally dying. Hold on, sister: Use these tips to make sure that when your phone dies, you don’t follow suit.


Stay fed and hydrated.

Your stomach begins to grumble like a wild lioness. You head to your Seamless app, but your phone is off. You might die. Instead of lying in the street silently weeping for your fate, walk to a place that has food. Most places have food. You know the credit card you usually have to type into the screen? You can give that same card to a person and they will hand you food right then and there. It will be challenging to eat a full meal without your Netflix app, but we promise, you’re gonna make it.


Don’t get lost or get eaten by a predator.

Google Maps is suddenly a faint memory. You might be wishing you never cursed out that stupid Maps app that came with the phone, but it doesn’t matter now. Gently approach a stranger. They will at first be terrified at the direct contact, but once that feeling settles and they remember they too are human, they might help you not die.


Don’t go into cardiac arrest after that panic attack.

Something weird happens, but you can’t find Kelly to tell her about it immediately. You wonder, “Before phones, how did people even communicate?” So you begin hollering in the streets, just hoping a friend is nearby to hear you. This is not effective because probably your friend is not within screaming distance. Your best option here is to calm down and talk to her later. Just write down what you were going to tell her so you don’t forget. For this part, locate paper and a functioning pen, then remember what your handwriting used to be like. You will still be alive after all of this.



Don’t let your mind cave in on itself.

You’re starting to get stir-crazy from not being able to listen to music while reading a blog while you text, but don’t give into the negative thoughts flowing into your head. Under these circumstances, use your brain and thoughts to entertain yourself. Your brain can envision a number of entertaining things, all on its own. This way you can avoid attacking others for sport, which will keep them from defensively killing you.


Most important: Don’t let your mind kill your body.

When trauma like this hits, you might have urges to kill yourself before this kills you. Resist the urge. Remember that this moment will pass and you will be able to go home again. Think about how much your phone will miss you. And your couch. And your DVR. Don’t end it all, just because you feel like you’re falling into a black hole that will eat your soul and leave your body to float through eternity with nothing real to hold onto.


The future will be better and you will absolutely never forget your phone charger again. Until you do in a couple weeks. It is also vitally important to memorize this article right now, word for word. Because next time your phone dies, this will be the first thing you want to read.