Do you have a dick in your mouth right now? Was it shoved so far down your throat that you threw up on it? Oh no, girl! Don’t worry: These helpful tips will keep you lookin’ cute while you’re upchucking on his D:
1. Use a lil’ baby voice.
If he’s grossed out, just start talking like a baby slut. Replace your r’s with w’s, bat your wittle baby eyelashes, and say, “I’m sowwy daddy, baby made spit up on youw!” This should invoke an “Awwww” from your guy and keep his erection steadfast so you can wipe it down and finish the job!
2. Throw a filter on it!
Take a selfie with the mess and choose a flattering filter. “Rise” will create a soft and pretty glow that will make the whole scene a lot less gross. Avoid filters like “Kelvin” that will bring out the orange undertones in your chunks! Show your guy his newly filtered dick, complete with glitter hearts, and he will see the whole situation in a new and more charming light. Squee! It’s a pukey dong!
Take a scan of the room around you. Are you at his place? Try putting on his Knicks jersey! He always says you look so sexy in that! Or are you at your place? You have lots to work with here—fuzzy slippers, bows, non-prescription glasses. Throw on a pop of color scarf and daintily wipe the corners of your mouth with it! You look great ralphing on that dick!
Is any of this working? No? Okay, go find a puppy. It doesn’t matter how; make it happen!!! Hold it in front of the puke or even have it lick up the mess! No one cares about your inability to read your own bodily cues when that baby puppy’s around! Suuuhhh ccyyyuuhhhtteeeeeee!
5. BANGS BANGS BANGS
This is the nuclear option for cuteness. If this shit doesn’t work, nothing will. Grab the scissors from your craft drawer, throw your hair in front of your face, and start hacking away until you’ve given yourself bangs. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more adorable than bangs. You throwing up on his peen? Not so cute. But imagine Zooey Deschanel doing ANYTHING. I KNOW!!!! She’s ADORKABLE, just like you vomiting on his penis!
You just turned this from fiasco to fi-yes-cute! Teehee! <3 Pukey ding dong!