Hey there, wealthy patron! Donated a wing to the art museum anonymously, but still want everyone to know it was you? This is something everyone can relate to. Flaunting your generosity is so new money, but you still deserve to be recognized for your altruism. Here’s how to let everyone know you’re the reason why the orphans have new uniforms without coming off as gauche.
Have the Tour Guide Tell Them
Slip Ricardo an extra $20 to let everyone know about your generosity and the personal story behind it. Give him an extra $5 to add, “She’s shy and doesn’t want anyone to know,” in order to ensure those attending the tour spread it around town. If anyone mentions it to you, act flustered and feign embarrassment. Who, you? An anonymous donor? Why—yes. Yes it was you. And now they know!
Give a Knowing Smile at the Ribbon Cutting
During the ribbon cutting of the West Library at Evergreen University you so generously paid for out of the goodness of your heart and no desire for recognition, stand conspicuously off to the side of the room as if you are trying to escape attention. When the Dean acknowledges “those who wish to remain nameless,” give a huge smile, then make another expression that seems like you are attempting to suppress your smile, then disappear before you have a chance to hear the whispers that it was you all along.
Confide in Catherine de Bricassar
If you tell one person, you essentially tell the whole world—especially if you tell a notorious gossip. Whisper to Catherine de Bricassar in confidence in the ladies’ powder room during a performance of Pagliacci that you’re the reason why the opera house has new balconies, and she’ll make sure everyone knows about your generous donation as well as your romantic ties to that mysterious stranger you showed up with. It’ll be the best thing that happened to her since she overheard Jackie Onassis asking to borrow some toilet paper in this very powder room back in 1972!
Go Through a Messy Divorce in Which Your Personal Financial Details are Made Public
One can always sacrifice Husband #3 for the sake of the media catching wind that you were the one who wrote the check that financed the Warhol Wing of the Shonenberg Museum of Contemporary Art. He’ll be so sorry to be rid of such a generous, anonymous wife!
Leave the Thank You Letter on the Top of Your Garbage
When you’re friends come over for cocktails, leave the effusive letter of thanks from the University perched atop your trash with a coffee stain on it to show it means nothing to you. Wow!
These techniques will save your voice and your reputation by preventing you from having to mention that you “already made some big donations this year” when people ask you to buy a ticket for their benefit.
