It’s Friday night and you get a text from Mom. Immediately you know something’s off. Maybe there’s one too many words or the meaning isn’t quite there. You look at the clock and see it’s 9:30. Mom’s definitely had one cosmo by now. Here’s what Mom probably meant to say in that text message:
“Dad hit bball hop w/ Camera”
Did you father get a job as a sports photographer? Did he injure a rabbit with his Canon Powershot? No and no. Mom just doesn’t know how to undo autocorrect because she’s had a stressful day and she’s buzzed as hell.
Translation: “Your father was backing the car out of the driveway and hit the basketball hoop with the Camry.”
“CHOSE GARAGE DROOL PLZ”
“Sry – 4 dad”
So apparently your mom needs you to pick out the right spittle for their two-car garage, and she really needs for it to happen now. Or, she just watched a real-crime show and is sick of your dad leaving the family vulnerable to roaming psychos.
Translation: “Please close the garage door.”
“Sorry, that text was meant for your father.”
“Cleaning corsets – can I toss rad Mike’s or u done car?”
Your mom really loved Fifty Shades, but don’t wince. This isn’t weird sex stuff with a pro-dom. Her drunk little fingers just don’t know how to type, and she loves cleaning while buzzed.
Translation: “I’m cleaning out the closets. Can I throw away your red Nikes or don’t you care?”
“Hi sweaty singed your up 4 dentist apartment on TG”
I guess your mom really likes drinking, huh?
Translation: “Hi sweetie. I signed you up for a dentist appointment over Thanksgiving.”
“got to see Kim Smith noon line. Think ouch like tit “
Yikes. Is she okay?
Translation: “You have got to see Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt online. I think you’d like it.”
“Evan single. FYi. from, The mom”
Oh boy. Here we go.
Translation: “Your ex-boyfriend Evan is now single. Just want you to know so you can marry him and make me a grandmother. Love, Mom.”
“Evan live in base mint. Dont Chappie hither”
Well this is a relief.
Translation: “Nevermind. Evan is living in his mother’s basement. Don’t call him.”
“no episode 5. cosmo 2. Evan??”
Translation: “I’m on episode 5 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and my second cosmo. Maybe you should consider calling Evan.”
“Hop u p happy xo”
Translation: I’m thinking of you and hope you are happy because I love you.
“I BIRTHED YOU”
Translation: “I BIRTHED YOU. RESPOND TO ME.”
“Hi Claire. Sorry about those texts last night. I think my phone got some sort of virus, or your brother stole it to do a prank. Please disregard. Love, Mom”
Translation: “Don’t hassle me about this, okay?”