How to Decipher Mom’s Texts After One Cosmo

It’s Friday night and you get a text from Mom. Immediately you know something’s off. Maybe there’s one too many words or the meaning isn’t quite there. You look at the clock and see it’s 9:30. Mom’s definitely had one cosmo by now. Here’s what Mom probably meant to say in that text message:


“Dad hit bball hop w/ Camera”

Did you father get a job as a sports photographer? Did he injure a rabbit with his Canon Powershot? No and no. Mom just doesn’t know how to undo autocorrect because she’s had a stressful day and she’s buzzed as hell.

Translation: “Your father was backing the car out of the driveway and hit the basketball hoop with the Camry.”



“Sry – 4 dad”

So apparently your mom needs you to pick out the right spittle for their two-car garage, and she really needs for it to happen now. Or, she just watched a real-crime show and is sick of your dad leaving the family vulnerable to roaming psychos.

Translation: “Please close the garage door.”

“Sorry, that text was meant for your father.”



“Cleaning corsets – can I toss rad Mike’s or u done car?”

Your mom really loved Fifty Shades, but don’t wince. This isn’t weird sex stuff with a pro-dom. Her drunk little fingers just don’t know how to type, and she loves cleaning while buzzed.

Translation: “I’m cleaning out the closets. Can I throw away your red Nikes or don’t you care?”


“Hi sweaty singed your up 4 dentist apartment on TG”

I guess your mom really likes drinking, huh?

Translation: “Hi sweetie. I signed you up for a dentist appointment over Thanksgiving.”


“got to see Kim Smith noon line. Think ouch like tit “

Yikes. Is she okay?

Translation: “You have got to see Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt online. I think you’d like it.”


“Evan single. FYi. from, The mom”

Oh boy. Here we go.

Translation: “Your ex-boyfriend Evan is now single. Just want you to know so you can marry him and make me a grandmother. Love, Mom.”


“Evan live in base mint. Dont Chappie hither”

Well this is a relief.

Translation: “Nevermind. Evan is living in his mother’s basement. Don’t call him.”


“no episode 5. cosmo 2. Evan??”

Or not.

Translation: “I’m on episode 5 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and my second cosmo. Maybe you should consider calling Evan.”


“Thkng fuckyou”

“Of u**”

“Hop u p happy xo”

Translation: I’m thinking of you and hope you are happy because I love you.





“Hi Claire. Sorry about those texts last night. I think my phone got some sort of virus, or your brother stole it to do a prank. Please disregard. Love, Mom”

Translation: “Don’t hassle me about this, okay?”