Home Reno Projects to Finish Off Your Marriage

Your laundry room is on its last legs—just like your marriage! Here are some DIY home tasks to tackle that will definitely leave you (finally!) heading for divorce court. Crack out the table saw—and all of those vicious counterarguments you’ve been holding in! It’s time to destroy that shaky foundation.


New Kitchen Cabinets:

You’re tired of getting up every morning and hauling yourself to the kitchen only to engage in the same endless, soul-sucking routine as yesterday. Will new cabinets help? No, but the effort of removing the old ones and installing the new ones will make you realize that, unlike your cabinets, Dave will never change. As he struggles to hold the new microwave shelf in place, ask him why you haven’t had children yet.


Removing Popcorn Ceilings:

Popcorn ceilings were devised to mask imperfections, just like your gradually-worsening drinking habit. As you violently scrape at that gross, textured fluff, be sure to snipe at your partner about inexact tarp-laying. Vacuuming this is going to be a nightmare! Later, as you rage fuck while fantasizing about Ty Pennington, think about how things could have been different if only you’d splurged on a turn-key property. 



Refinishing Hardwoods:

Sometimes finding something worth saving involves time and elbow grease. No, we’re not talking about your marriage—that shit is beyond hope. The floors, though, might be salvageable (and worth the sweat equity for anything you can gain in a future settlement). Rent a sander and assume that your husband will know how to work it. That fight writes itself!


Faux-Finish on the Powder Room Walls:

While we wouldn’t call sponge painting for a suede effect “living a lie,” applying this deceitful texture to your downstairs bathroom will remind you of all the sacrifices you’ve made. You don’t even like college basketball, and how many years have you had Jayhawks season tickets? Don’t wait the recommended time between coats, then blame Bruce when it turns into a big fucking mess, just like the time you tried couples’ counseling.


Open-Plan Living Room:

You’ve always wanted to knock down some walls—especially the emotional ones that he’s gradually built up over the years. Really put your back into those sledgehammer swings—this is for all the times you’ve laid awake at night wondering what he’s feeling. When he asks if something’s wrong, silently shake your head and let your safety goggles fill up with tears. Why is he such a goddamn robot?


Built-In Bookshelves:

A built-in implies permanence and stability, unlike your crumbling relationship. He’s never been much for the “measure twice, cut once” mantra, so don’t be surprised when none of your planks are the right length. On the car ride to Home Depot for more lumber, catalog his faults silently while criticizing his driving out loud. When the helpful sales associate asks if you know what you’re looking for, look your mate dead in the eye and say, “Not anymore.”


After a weekend of this, you’ll be glad to go back to work and stalk your high school boyfriend on Facebook. Just remember to be ambitious about how much you can change (just like when you met your husband), and grossly underestimate how much time it takes to do things right (like your husband in bed). Good luck!