You know what she did. And you know you’re never going to forgive her. Jen may think that eventually this will all blow over and that everyone will HAVE to move on. But Jen is about to find out just how cold a shoulder can be. Cut that thing off and throw it in the freezer, because you’re about to stay mad at Jen FOREVER. Here’s how:
Act like she’s not there. Forever.
Literally pretend that she isn’t there. She’s just empty space shaped like a sociopath. If she has the audacity to try speaking to you, or mentions wanting to resolve the fight, literally find a corner and turn your back to Jen like a scullery maid in Edwardian Britain. If your squad is planning night out via group text, mention how excited you are to see everyone except Jen.
Ex: “OMG Kerry – can’t wait to check out the new gel manicure, Julia – don’t bring your gluten allergy this time! Lisa – WTF? lolz :) :) I luv all ma girls! No one’s missing from this text, I checked!”
Interrupt her apologies for the rest of time.
Jen’s in your face trying to backpedal her way out of the shitstorm she found herself in. She’s saying things like, “I still don’t even know why you’re mad at me,” and “What did I do?” and “Please just tell me what I did!” NEVER. Let her know just how dumb she sounds by interrupting her pleas with “UH DUH DUH DUHHHH!” every time she opens her mouth forever and ever. That’s what you sound like, Jen! Like an idiot! Jen is an idiot.
Make a list.
Staying truly, deeply mad at someone takes work and commitment. There will be days when you might have even forgotten why you’re mad and are tempted to give up. Luckily, you have plenty of reasons to hate Jen. When you feel like you need a little inspiration, having a list, chart, or Pinterest board with all the ways in which Jen is awful can be a lot of help. Remind yourself of the time Jen bought a dress at Anthropologie right after you made that Facebook status about how rude the sales clerk was to you there. NEVER ACCEPTING YOUR ANTHRO-APOLOGY, JEN! Jen is literally awful. I’m getting mad for you just thinking about it.
Create tension in your shared home.
If you live with Jen (we’re so sorry), you have way more opportunities to be passive aggressive to dumbass Jen. Slamming doors can be effective, but you can be more obvious so she really knows it’s intentional. Try hate-cleaning your apartment in the early hours of the morning. Nothing lets Jen know you’re angry without saying anything directly to her like cleaning your shared bathroom HARD at two in the morning. It’s also a great idea to call your mom on the phone and vent about all the chores Jen forgot or had no idea you wanted her to do. Make your trip to CVS to buy new trash bags sound like The Road to your mom while Jen listens and squirms like the cockroach she is.
This one is important. Forever is a long time and people are living well into their nineties, so this “being mad at Jen” thing might start to alienate your other friends. Unfortunately, you might start to come off as the aggressor when it’s painfully clear that you are really the victim. Don’t let Jen tarnish your reputation of being all about love and light and dancing like no one is watching and fucking MATURITY. You can still be steadfast in your resolve to hate Jen by changing up your approach and gaining sympathy through uncontrollable crying. When Jen views your Facebook invite non-ironically and shows up to your birthday drinks, everyone will feel super bad for you and super mad at Jen. That’ll teach her!
Jen brought this on herself. Here’s to never dying and making Jen pay for all eternity! That’s definitely the last time she ever dates anyone’s ex’s friend!