Raising a straight boy in our modern, gay society is no fun at all. While you pretend to care about monster trucks and dirt, other women are out frolicking with their adorably androgynous sons, belting Taylor Swift out car windows. Think your son is on the cusp of a boringly heteronormative lifestyle? Take these tips from our experts to help convince your young son that he, too, might be gay:
Schedule a sassy play date!
Start at school by finding the loudest, boldest girl in his class and scheduling recurring play dates. Before you know it, your little guy will be calling out all his classmates on their tacky clothing choices.
Sign him up for hip-hop classes.
Kids love organized activities, especially when they sound cool. By the time he finds out the curriculum is light on the freestyle rapping and heavy on the booty shaking, he’ll be having too much fun to turn back. Bonus points if you can get him to help you sew his Beyoncé inspired costume.
Swap ice cream for frozen yogurt.
Though it may seem like a trivial step, transitioning from Rocky Road with Oreos to Tart Passionfruit with strawberries is a quintessential turning point in the conversion process. If he expresses frustration with the healthier treat, encourage him to share as many witty criticisms of the froyo establishment as he can muster.
Build him a Rainbow Room.
Little boys are suckers for private spaces. It’s why they build houses in trees and ruin your decorative pillows making forts. Surprise your son with his own solo haven, complete with rainbow wallpaper, a framed collection of Broadway playbills, and a TV/DVR loaded with the Twilight trilogy. Allow him to spend as much time as he wants in his “personal Oz.”
Turn your hallway into a runway!
Putting on home fashion shows is a great way for your son to experiment with gender roles. Give him full access to your closet and encourage him to pick out the craziest outfits to model on your DIY catwalk. For the best results, pre-stock your wardrobe with bodysuits, wigs, and child-size heels.
Make moisturizer a reward.
Liked dogs, children respond well to incentives. By positioning high-priced cosmetics as the light at the end of a long algebra tunnel, your boy will learn to cherish the feeling of a hard-earned purifying clay mask. Up the ante during report card season by booking a full spa day!