In a perfect world, your male coworkers wouldn’t need to see you as either a daughter figure or as someone they want to have sex with, and instead just see you as the qualified professional with three advanced degrees that you are. But beggars can’t be choosers, so here’s a quick guide to making sure you’re specifically not seen as the one your older male officemates want to bone:
Ask Them For Advice
This not only helps to deflect unwanted sexual advances, but it will make the guys think you have great professional instincts and drive—characteristics they’ve noticed in their daughters. Start your question with “Dad?” but definitely not “Daddy,” so that you don’t confuse him. Ask them about anything unsexy, from investment options to plantar warts. By making it seem like you value and rely on their opinions, they’ll soon grow to see you as a “mentee,” a “solid team player,” or even “a real sweetheart.” Definitely not just fuckable, like Janet from Human Resources.
Dress Like a Virgin (NOT The Sexy Kind)
This can be a fine line to walk, since a lot of times seeming like a virgin will only make your older male coworkers want to have sex with you more. Try to seem like you’re a woman with zero sexuality and/or sexual prospects and like you don’t even know you have boobs and a vagina. Over-sized khakis and ill-fitting blazers are great for conveying a “could you pick me up from chorus after school, Dad?” look. That way the only “lesson” they’ll want to “hammer” into you is the importance of being true to yourself.
Keep Unflattering Childhood Pics of Yourself Around the Office
Nothing kills a boner while engendering latent paternal instincts like unflattering photos of you as a pre-teen. Place an unfortunate picture of you from third grade prominently at your desk. Then, every time a man tries to linger around your desk, he’ll be forced to reckon with the fact that you were once a sexless pre-pubescent girl child who dreamed of glitter and horses; a sentient human whose sole purpose wasn’t penis insertion. Bonus points if you retouch those childhood photos so they look especially recent. His boner will disappear faster than he can say, “Yikes, how old are you?”
Carry A Stuffed Animal Around The Office
Nine out of 10 women agree that while they would prefer not to be considered “adorable” at work, it’s still definitely better than being “bangtastic”. And nothing says “adorable” quite like carrying around a stuffed toy bear. If you start sensing any one-sided sexual tension, rock the bear like a baby and ask your male coworkers to kiss its boo-boo. Sure, they’ll think you have issues, but at least they won’t think you have daddy issues in the sense that you want to bone them.
Dress Like Their Actual Daughters And Call Them Dad
Taking the time to look like their actual daughters is a fantastic way to make men not want to fuck you, assuming their daughters aren’t the spitting image of their wives when they were younger. Take a look at the photos on their desks to get a sense of how their daughters look and dress to use as inspiration for your own day-to-day aesthetic. Young millennial trends, like partially shaving your head, will really associate you with their daughter, if you can pull that off at your office. And again – don’t be afraid to “accidentally” call them dad but NOT DADDY, NEVER DADDY. Also, don’t be shy about dancing on their shoes at office functions and clinging to their legs when they leave each day.
So there you have it—a few quick tips for ensuring that the guys at work think of you as a surrogate daughter figure, and not just a chick they want to put it in. Next step: respect maybe!