5 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Tried to Open This Jar of Mayo

So, you’re a young woman ready to embark on the wondrous journey of opening this jar of mayo. Simple, right? Wrong. Even something as easy as opening this jar of mayo can throw a wrench into your delicate emotional balance and alter the course of your entire life. The decision to open this jar of mayo is a painful and confusing one. When I look back on my own experience opening this jar, there are certain things I wish I had known. Here are the things I wish someone with hindsight and an ounce of human decency had warned me about before I tried to open this jar of mayo.


1. I Shouldn’t Have Made The Entire Sandwich Before I Tried to Open This Jar of Mayo

This was absolutely my first mistake, and I regret it to this day. I’ll never fully understand what I was thinking while I meticulously laid out all of the ingredients and toasted the last pieces of multigrain bread before even checking to see if I would be able open this stubborn jar of mayo. The worst part is, this is not the first time I’ve done something like this, and it probably won’t be the last. The only thing I can do now is learn to live with the decisions I’ve made, including the now-cold toasted bread and the seemingly endless and growing list of mistakes.


2. This Jar of Mayo Simply Won’t Open, So Stop Fighting and Learn From It

Most people would have me believe that at this point, I have two choices: accept defeat by finding other food, or eat the sandwich without mayo. But the truth is, it’s a major lost opportunity if I don’t use this un-budging jar as a chance to break everything apart inside of me, and then rebuild.



The best thing I can do for myself at a time like this, when feckless jars of mayo are lying in wait at every turn, is to dig deep into to all the things that have me stressed out and made me sad. The days at work have been getting longer, but do I feel closer to my goals? Why did Carla stop liking things on my Facebook? Have I talked to my parents recently? Oh God, what if they die? When we face our fears head on, we grow stronger. I wish someone had told me that before I started opening this jar of mayo.


3. Two Jars of Mayo are Better than One (Even If That Seems Irrational)

Think about everything you could have done differently, both with this jar of mayo and in life. If only you had a backup plan, you could learn from your initial mistakes and open that second jar of mayo with ease! Well, hindsight is 20/20, and there’s no point dwelling on the “what-ifs” when it comes to life or mayo. With each experience of attempting to open a jar of mayo, you’ll grow closer and closer to the woman you hope to one day become. The kind of woman who would never waste real tears over some arrogant holier-than-thou jerkoff jar of mayo because she had another, better jar waiting in the back of the cabinet. Man, what I couldn’t give to have all of this information an hour ago.


4. This Jar of Mayo is Not Better Than Me

I’m a creative, functioning, tax-paying adult, and this jar of mayo is nothing. Nobody. A traitor in my fridge. It is nothing but literal garbage if I choose it to be, and it has no power over me or my emotions. Maybe I’ll get a new jar of mayo, a better one. If I start today, if I leave now and buy a new jar, I could return just as quickly and with a whole new outlook on life. You’re not going to break me, mayo. Nobody is. If only I had known back then, before all this attempted mayo-opening started…


5. Jars of Mayo Change (Sometimes For The Better)

I made this the final lesson because this is something I unfortunately didn’t learn until only very recently. Occasionally, jars of mayo do change, and often for the better. It’s never too late. Perhaps they sit out in room temperature for a while maybe, and open up as if nothing even happened. And sometimes that’s okay. The important thing is that it did open, and now you can take an antidepressant and eat your sandwich. Just make sure to pick the broken glass out of the mayo first. Lesson learned: You can’t make a sandwich without smashing a few jars of mayo.


Opening a jar of mayo, much like living life, is a roller coaster of emotions. It’ll throw curveballs at you in the moments you least expect. It’s okay. Let it go. It will all seem silly as you look back and laugh with your friends over the mayonnaise jars that made you who you are.