Existing as a woman in the world can be frustrating. Men hit on us at bars, make passes at us on the train, even follow us on the streets. It’s so stressful to have to constantly monitor our what we’re wearing, how much we’re drinking, and who’s around us so that we aren’t faced with unwanted male attention. But recently, I’ve noticed that there’s an emerging group of women who barely have to deal with any attention from men at all. I wanted that for my life, so I decided to be one of those women. And that’s why I’m announcing that I’m running for president of the United States.
It may seem far fetched, but just look at the proof: Even though there are more than 20 candidates currently running in the Democratic primary, almost no men are paying any attention to the six that happen to be women. That’s amazing! These are women with decades of political experience in their respective careers, with platforms and policies that could enact real, substantial change in this country. But you’d have no idea that they are so accomplished because their presence in the presidential race is being completely overlooked by half of the population!
These ladies are living my dream, and so I joined them.
As a female presidential candidate, not only am I free from the unwanted attention from men, it turns out I don’t have to tolerate any attention being paid to me at all! The entire media is taking a cue from all the men pretending we female candidates don’t exist by also pretending that we don’t exist. Living in the shadows is amazing!
Finally I feel like a nobody along with all these amazing women. Senator Elizabeth Warren has a legitimate and practical policy to erase student loan debt? Who? Kamala Harris wants to free those imprisoned for minor marijuana possession? Never heard of her. It’s so freeing to be able to do regular, everyday things, like drink at a bar or read at a park or compose a bill that penalizes medical facilities for offering substandard care to black women without the burden of men following our every move.
I never thought that my life would come to this, but I sure am glad it did. I have joined the ranks of talented, intelligent, brave women who have chosen to run for the presidency of the United States and who the men across this country could not care less about because there are sixteen boring ass dudes running for the same office. Now, no man even bothers to send me a gross Instagram DM or booty call me in the middle of the night or do even an ounce of research into the frankly very attainable and plain-language bill I’ve drafted to overhaul the US public education system. I have finally found peace. I am finally free!
The future is female! And entirely invisible!