Use This Face Goop So Boys Like You

If you’ve found yourself wondering which goop you should smear on your face so that boys can find you pretty and want to kiss you, look no further than this list of dark sludge and colorful gunk! With this fine collection of stuff to put all over your face, that boy you like will definitely be saying, “I see you now!”



Whether red or purple or black, lipstick is the gelatinous substance with which to plaster your mouth. Just remember to carry an extra tube of the stuff with you, as you’ll be slowly consuming this mouth magma throughout the day. Before long, men on the street will be shouting, “That is where her mouth is!”


Eyebrow Filler

The hairy growths above your eyes must not go unnoticed! Reinforce them with charcoal ink and darkest powder to make heads turn.



Dab the hyde-colored serum upon your face so that your pores and wrinkles are smothered into a glassy surface and uniform flesh color. Men love this.




Conveyed in tube by spindled brush, this tar for your eyes is perfect for saying, “These are my eyelashes, which surround my eyes.” It’s the perfect signpost for a potential mate to know where to look to convey interest. Just make sure to avoid clumping because that’s what gunk naturally wants to do. Gross!



Smudge your face with rosy charcoal-y stuff and wait for suitors to line up, magnetized by reddish cheek circles on your face-skin. Dayum, girl! Boys like you now!


Eye Shadow

Mimic the natural play of light upon your face by smudging dark glop all around the eye area (but never in the eyes. This is the only rule.). Shadows are the perfect way to trick men into thinking you have eyes on your face. Next stop: Boy City!


Now that you’ve outlined your features in black and filled in the lines with colorful paint, you’ll be irresistible and unmistakable to men. Just don’t mess it up by spreading too much on your face: that’s a huge turn-off!!