Are you overdue for a haircut? Are you dying for a change, but can’t go to the salon because of the global pandemic? While giving yourself a haircut is a classically bad idea, and no one is forcing you to act on this isolation-induced impulse, here is a thorough step-by-step guide on how to give yourself a haircut, which nobody – seriously, don’t do it – is making you do right now. Here’s how:
- Gather Your Supplies
Since you probably don’t own barber scissors and it’s not easy to order things online, you will want to find the sharpest scissors in the house. While craft scissors from elementary school are not advisable, they can work in a pinch. Other supplies you will need but probably aren’t stocked with are: a cape, a conditioner spray, a salon-quality hairdryer, and non-drug store shampoo. It might be best you don’t do this, but if you must, proceed to step two.
- Section Your Hair As Necessary.
To ensure that you achieve an even cut, separate your hair into sections as necessary; it helps to vaguely mimic how you remember hairdressers doing it, with ponytail holders or something. Take a moment to notice how wearing 4-5 ponytails at a time is kind of a look, and then realize that only someone with no aesthetic taste would think that. Maybe you should put down the Crayola scissors, because, again, no one is making you do this, and it probably will not end well.
- Okay maybe watch a YouTube tutorial or two.
In an abundance of caution, try to quickly familiarize yourself with various hair-cutting techniques from the experts themselves: YouTubers. Watch two of the shortest videos that show up on your search for “how to haircut” for good measure- and notice how their results are mediocre to bad even though they kind of know what they’re doing. You can still turn back now.
- Go To Town
Just do it. Just close your eyes and fucking do it.
- Clean Up
Oh yeah, you probably should have put down a plastic bag or something because now there’s hair all over your sink. Oh, you’re not even in your bathroom? Wow, you probably should’ve thought this through a little more.
Assess the damage done and try to futz any odd spots with mousse, gel, hairspray, or all of the above. If it is clear to you that this process has resulted in a bad haircut and needs something more to fix it, maybe reach for that box dye that’s been in your bathroom since 2010 – now that will fix the job!