Help! I Am Living Through History

Like many of my contemporary citizens of the world, I am cognizant of the things that are happening around me, and they are happening too much! It seems that every day, I open my eyes, open social media (not necessarily in that order), and yet another human-based event has occurred. I’ve arrived at the unwelcome conclusion that I am living through history??


Someone please help me get out!


Apathetic legislative response to climate crisis, mass shootings, robots that look like dogs but then are fucking cops — these are just a few examples of the history that I cannot stop only witnessing but also living through. I am not one to complain but I didn’t consent to any of this. Is there an opt-out button? Is there an unsubscribe button?


Many people will argue that I should grow up and consider that every human being before me was also living through history, and in many cases even worse history than mine, but those people are wrong. Contrary to popular definitions, history didn’t start until Al Gore’s internet, and now I’m paying the ultimate price.



In prehistoric times, either something horrible was happening to you directly, you were doing something horrible, or you were chilling. Of these three, chilling would definitely be my preference, but don’t you dare suggest that I just unplug and stop reading the news because for one, I’ll know that’s what I’m doing, and for two, then I won’t be warned when something horrible is about to happen to me directly. Use your head!


I also don’t want to stop being alive, so what I really need is for history to stop happening. One of us has to go and it ain’t gonna be me.


So if every person in the world could just stop doing history and stop doing the economy and we could adopt a degrowth model until everything is so calm that we can hear the Earth turning on its axis, that would be awesome. Like, say yes! Literally why would anyone not want this?


I’m in this fight, but I can’t fight it alone. So if you’re a world leader doing something like waging war, colonizing an indigenous people’s land, or trying to restrict reproductive rights, please consider not doing that instead. We are all very tired. Thanks!!