QUIZ: Is Your Masseuse Hurting You Because It’s Their Job or Because They Hate Women?

When life has you feeling burnt out and stressed, shelling out a few dollars for a deep-tissue massage can be a great way to relax. But when your masseuse mutters that you look just like their ex-wife while working out a painful knot, how can you tell if they’re just providing the service you paid them for or if they hate all women? Take this quiz to find out:


When you arrive at your appointment, how does your masseuse greet you?

  1. By kindly saying, “Hello, peer! Get ready for a mutually beneficial exchange of goods and services.”
  2. By silently shutting you in a dark room to undress, only to leave you waiting, face-down in the dark, for 45 minutes as he quietly curses in the other room.


How do they react when you comment that the pressure is too much?

  1. “Your enjoyment is an implicit term of this contract,” they say remorsefully, immediately easing off.
  2. “It’s obvious you don’t understand the methodology of a deep-tissue massage,” they explain, proceeding to lecture you on how a woman’s body should feel.


They start applying massage oil to your skin. How do they respond when you ask, “Is that lavender I smell?”

  1. “What an excellent observation made by an autonomous participant in this symbiotic business relationship!”
  2. They say, “I didn’t realize you Hell Beasts could smell anything other than the sulfury odor of human despair” while dousing the inside of your purse with oil.


The massage is over and it’s time to settle up. How do they see you off?

  1. They give you a firm handshake and a laminated copy of the Consumer Protection Act.
  2. They fume quietly as you make conversation with the female receptionist before eventually shouting, “STOP CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!”




Mostly 1s: Sounds like you got what you paid for! Your tender baby flesh may be in pain, but at least it was in the hands of someone you specifically sought out and paid for this service.

Mostly 2s: OUCH! The only deep tissue that needs some attention here is the one at the bottom of the Kleenex box, because your masseuse has some serious introspection to do. Also it’s probably a good time to reflect on why you refuse to see anyone else.