Hackers Still Not Stealing Identity of Boring, Lonely Woman

Hacked Woman - Reductress

Despite her efforts to get hacked, lonely, boring woman Natalie Wynne has not yet had her identity stolen.


“It would be nice to know that someone wants to know my intimate details,” said Natalie as she checked her credit card account. “I went to Talbots three times last week. Doesn’t anyone want to know why?”


Natalie has not been on a date in six years.


After downloading questionable attachments and signing her emails with her social security number and medical history, Natalie has not even had a credit card opened in her name.



“I advise people not to do what Natalie is doing, like clicking links from unknown sources,” says senior information security officer, Jeremy Casulo. “Except for Natalie. Natalie can do whatever she wants. No one wants to steal her identity.”


We asked professional hacker, Joe, about identity theft: “No one is safe. Everyone will be a victim of online identity theft.” When asked if he would steal the identity of Natalie, he said, “No, I’m good. I don’t want to get into that.”


“She buys a lot of Bagel Bites and Arbor Mist. And all she watches is Royal Pains,” he added.


When told that Joe had hacked into her financial records, Natalie asked, “What does he look like? He’s straight, right?”


After realizing that he was no longer interested after looking at her records, she sighed. “Figures.”