After years of wondering will-they-won’t-they, 28-year-old Rebecca Bauman is finally tying the knot with her longtime companion: COVID-19!
“I always knew they’d end up together in the end,” says Rebecca’s mom, Dana. “She’s been living with COVID for almost three years. It’s about time they made things official!”
“As a mom, I was a bit worried after they first started shacking up and they hadn’t announced anything,” Dana continues. “That’s just not how we did things back in my day. It used to be meet in a crowded public space, get married, then live with them and their annoying symptoms forever. I don’t understand this generation’s backward ‘test positive, then make things official’ approach.”
In spite of her mom’s misgivings about how her relationship began, Rebecca says even though it might’ve been a rough start, she’s never been happier.
“Yeah, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t great living together at first,” she admits. “Maybe we should’ve taken things slower – it was all sore throats, fatigue, and coughs at the beginning of our relationship, but we’ve really progressed past that! Now, it’s brain fog, difficulty breathing, and loss of smell and taste. So, obviously, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! Covid and I are going to be together forever. ‘In sickness,’ and that’s it, right?”
Some of Rebecca’s friends had a less enthused reaction regarding Rebecca’s decision to spend the rest of her life with Covid.
“She just wasn’t herself anymore when she started living with Covid,” Rebecca’s best friend, Janna Mills, told reporters. “She stopped hanging out with us, she constantly complained about feeling isolated, and she binge-watched every season of Love Island. Honestly, I thought Covid made her miserable. And now they’re getting married? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
When asked what she thought about her friend’s sentiments about Covid, Rebecca said she wasn’t surprised.
“She’s just mad that her and Covid only lasted a few weeks, while Covid’s going to be staying with me for the rest of my life.”
At press time, Rebecca said she was planning a destination wedding, saying, “I’m sick of keeping our relationship contained to my apartment – I want to introduce Covid to the whole world!”