Female CEO Forces Juice Cleanse on Entire Company

cleanse - reductress

In an effort to keep up with current trends, CEO Nancy Collins has asked her staff to join together in a mandatory juice cleanse for the month of June. The small tech company’s growth has slowed, and Collins believes the root cause lies within outdated policies and the sluggish digestive systems of her employees.


Collins’ plan is to rejuvenate the company by ridding it of “old toxins,” which will begin with the dieting habits of her staff.


“Out with the old and in with the new!” said Collins Monday, as she wrestled a large beet into an industrial juicer.


For the next three weeks, employees will be on a strictly liquid diet of raw foods. The recipe, which Collins concocted herself, consists of kale, pomegranate, leeks, beets, and lychees.


To further motivate her staff, Collins has devised a four-week calendar listing the names of each staff member alongside the number of days they’ve been juicing. She expects them all to hit the full 30 days, and encourages the most devoted to sleep in the office lounge so they won’t be tempted by food at home.


When asked how they feel about the company-wide juice cleanse, an anonymous member of Collins’ staff said, “My poops are always in liquid form, so I guess in a sense I’m more productive now.”


“This cleanse is a great team-building exercise,” says Collins. “And people are starting to think way outside the box in ideation meetings.”