Facial Roller Doing NOTHING to Cure Clinical Depression

In a mystifying story out of Providence, RI, a newly acquired jade facial roller appears to be doing nothing to cure Gabriella Hawthorne’s clinical depression.


“It’s strange,” said Gabriella. “Like, I definitely didn’t buy this jade roller to not cure my depression, so I’m just not sure what’s going on.”


Despite using the jade roller from Sephora three times, one of which included refrigerating it beforehand, Gabriella still reports feeling at once overwhelmed by and disengaged from life.


“I read a review online that said it was calming,” said Gabriella. “Yet there are no indicators that jade rolling has changed my brain chemistry yet virtually at all.”


Honestly, pretty weird.


“The practice of jade rolling improves circulation and drainage in your face,” said dermatologist Dr. Luanne Wiley. “While it may positively affect users’ moods in some cases, it is in no way intended to treat mental illness.”


Okay, sorry, but like what is she talking about?



“I guess I just feel that I purchased and further have implemented this facial roller,” said Gabriella. “But I still feel inexplicably on the verge of tears all the time, so I’m just not confident that it’s working.”


Hmm. Sounds like it might be time for a critical yet levelheaded two-star review that’s compelling enough that the company replies to it promising to “make it right”. But can they?


“You always hear advice to combat depression like, ‘take a walk, have a bath, read a book,’” said Gabriella. “And none of those work, which is why I was like okay, the jade roller maybe will work because it’s none of those things. But no.”


Hmm, hard to fathom.


Time to chuck that thing in the trash and move on to the next cure. At least her complexion is looking healthy!