In a developing story out of Hoboken, New Jersey, 33-year-old Annie Kagiyama had the gall to call her closest friends last night, asking for a “little favor” to help her move a body from her home into the Hudson river.
Yikes! At her age? Call a service for that!
“I’m all for helping friends, but I feel like we’re all at that point in our lives where we can afford to pay professionals for these kinds of things,” said friend Karen Shi, who promptly told Annie she had “prior engagements” and couldn’t help her. “There’s so much physical labor involved in moving; this is just not how I want to spend my Saturday nights anymore.”
When reporters caught up with Annie, however, she disagreed.
“I’d like to think you’re never too old to ask friends to move a body with you. I mean, how many times in our lives are we going to move bodies, anyway?” said Annie. “And it wasn’t like I was asking them to help me clean up the blood or roll the body up in a plastic sheet. I just needed help lugging the body down the stairs and into my van.”
Despite offering to pay back friends in free beer and pizza, only one of Annie’s friends showed up to help her move the 175-pound corpse lying in her living room.
“Shockingly, I went through most of my twenties without helping any friends move bodies,” said Annie’s friend, Jacquelyn Young. “So, I was kind of excited when Annie called me up in a panic at 11 p.m. I always wanted to have the quintessential ‘moving a body’ experience like you see in the TV shows! I’m just so happy to be part of something.”
Jacquelyn later clarified to reporters that by TV shows, she was referencing CSI and 60 Minutes.
When reporters followed-up with Annie the next week, she admitted that maybe she was getting too old to rely on friends to help her move a body.
“After moving that body, even with Jacquelyn’s help, my body was so sore. Maybe the 17 other friends I called that night were right and we are getting too old for such physical tasks. I guess it is a lot to ask anyone to sacrifice their time and legal freedoms to help me out. Lesson learned!”
As of press time, Annie was seen incarcerated and using her prison collect calls to ask her lawyer friends to represent her in her upcoming criminal trial for some pizza and beer.