In suspicious news out of Austin, TX, 29-year-old Shayna Harrell just responded, “Sorry, just saw this!” to her friend’s text from last week, even though she hasn’t pooped without her phone in over a decade.
“I swear, I didn’t see her text until that moment!” Harrell told reporters. “Sure, I spend 16 hours of the day staring at my phone that’s glued to my palm, and the other eight hours resting peacefully beside it with the notifications turned on with the ringer at full volume, but that doesn’t mean I see every alert that comes through!”
Reports confirmed that Harrell sees and responds to every notification that pops up on her phone, except, notably, those from her email and messaging apps.
“I don’t know how those slip by without me seeing,” Harrell claimed. “Maybe I’m too engrossed in the video I’m watching on the toilet to notice them coming in, or maybe my friends are all texting me at the one time during the day when I’m not snuggling with my phone – when I briefly set it down to wipe after using the bathroom. Either way, I swear I just saw this message from last January right now!”
Harrell’s friends are less than inclined to believe this version of events.
“You want to know what I think?” Harrell’s best friend, Carina Miller, told reporters. “I think she saw my message inviting her to get drinks, didn’t want to go, and, instead of letting me know like a mature adult, she decided to ignore my message, continue playing Stardew Valley on her phone, and then get back to me a week and a half later as if my message suddenly just manifested on her screen! Frankly? It’s insulting.”
Harrell’s roommate expressed similar sentiments, stating, “I have never once seen Shayna go into the bathroom without her phone in the three years we’ve lived together. Yet, when I text her to ask if she can do her dishes, she locks herself in her room and doesn’t get back to me for weeks on end. And I know she’s not reading in there, I can literally hear her watching TikToks.”
At press time, when reached for a request to comment by a reporter, Harrell wasn’t heard from again for three months, after which she finally got back to the reporter with a text that read, “Oops, sorry, just saw this!”