24-year-old Brie Williamson only kind of shocked reporters Thursday when she stated she would rather poop without a toilet than without a phone.
This opinion has garnered backlash from many people in Williamson’s life.
“I don’t know when she would ever have to make that decision,” said Williamson’s roommate, Kelsey Goddard. “But I’m concerned about the implications this has for if she ever finds herself forced to choose between one or the other in our shared bathroom.”
Others have expressed concern about their own role in Williamson’s questionable decision-making abilities.
“I never in a million years thought that she would pick phone over toilet,” said Williamson’s mother, Kat. “That’s an insane choice. Is this because I limited her screen time as a child? Did I fail her as a parent?”
Williamson maintains that it’s not a question of parental efficacy, but rather a case of personal preference.
“It’s all about what your priorities are,” Williamson told reporters. “Some people prioritize comfort, ease, and cleanliness when taking a shit, and some people – like me – prioritize watching a 30-minute YouTube video about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire while entrenched in a bowel movement. And to that I say, to each their own!”
However, not everyone has such an open-minded approach to the subject.
“It just makes you wonder, where does this stop?” the shitter’s roommate Goddard said in a statement to reporters. “I mean, if she’s choosing phone over toilet, who’s to say she wouldn’t choose phone over toilet paper, or, god forbid, phone over shitting with the door closed?”
Other friends of Williamson say that her stance suggests that she has “obviously never been camping before” – with one friend, who wished to remain nameless, going on to add: “She wouldn’t be so cavalier about this decision if she’d ever been forced to drop trou in the middle of a forest. She’s clearly never had poison ivy between her ass cheeks before and it shows.”
Williamson said in a statement to reporters that this had all gotten a bit overblown, claiming that it was just a hypothetical scenario, she obviously would use a toilet if one was available to her, and that she could take a shit without scrolling Twitter on her phone if she wanted to.
At press time, Williamson was spotted waiting anxiously for her dead phone to charge, after being overheard saying that she had a stomach ache and urgently needed to use the bathroom.