Victory! Uncles Defeat Veganism

In a moving story of perseverance, the final vegan gave it all up after her Uncle Dave, flanked by various other uncles, bombarded her with ingenious one-liners at every family BBQ across several years. 


“You might think that having one of your close family members constantly remind you of what makes you different would be ostracizing and essentially bullying,” said Stephanie, the ex-vegan in question  “But you’d be wrong, it was a really profound experience involving several uncles that made me give up veganism once and for all.” 


“I told her that I could cut some fresh grass from the ground if she wanted another side dish,” Uncle Dave said. “This instantly made her realize the errors of her lifestyle. And it was the third time that evening I’d made a similar comment. So, dedication is everything.”



Since the uncle’s measured critiques led Stephanie to put down the Kool-Aid, her attitude toward veganism has shifted entirely.


“I think it’s stupid,” she said. “I mean, Uncle Jeff said plants feel pain too. So any qualms I had with the meat and dairy industry’s systematic torture and slaughter of literally billions of intelligent animals, along with its extremely negative environmental impact, are pretty much moot.”


But this is just one story. Countless middle-aged men just like Uncle Bob, Frank, and Al have been working tirelessly, pouncing at every opportunity to engage with their misguided relatives. 


Brilliant comments like “why are there so many imitation meats?”, “hunting is very respectful,” and “we evolved to eat meat, look at my spikey teeth!” have been masterfully delivered into the minds of vegans everywhere. Indeed, uncles are perhaps the most prolific intellectuals of our time.


So, what’s next? 


“Although this is a great triumph, there is still a lot of nonsense clouding the minds of young relatives across the world,” Uncle Dave said. “We must do more.” 


And other uncles are standing by him in this important fight.


“I have four nieces and three nephews,” said another uncle, Graham. “None of them are vegans or otherwise irrational. I believe this is due to my strategy of tagging them in Joe Rogan edits on Facebook, telling my nephews to drink real beer and commenting on my nieces’ revealing outfits. It’s setting them up for a great American life free from political bullshit – like not eating 30 steaks a week.” 


Thank you, uncles!