Wassup, playas! It’s Dude Corner here, and I just wanted to clear a few things up. I’ve been saying, “Down with capitalism” a lot because it’s what all the hot girls have in their Tinder bios, but I’d like to clarify that I’m not against capitalism! I just thought we were all saying it in more of a “Down With the Sickness” type of way.
OOO-AH AH AH AH! Right?
First of all, I would never want capitalism to end since it existed before time and obviously will go on forever. I want it to keep buying and selling digital racehorse NFTs for as long as possible. So, when one of the leftist girls I matched with on Tinder tried to talk to me about how great socialism is before we hooked up, I was like, oh man, this chick is based! But then I also learned that “based” meant something else to her, too.
When I said “down with capitalism,” I obviously meant it like, “Get up, come on, get down with capitalism!”
Do I not look rich enough for that to be clear? Because I will buy more Vineyard Vines t-shirts if I have to.
Honestly, we should change the meaning of the phrase altogether, because the way I’ve been saying it makes way more sense. I even DM’d the bassist from Disturbed to see if they could make a song about being down with capitalism instead of “the sickness”, because the original lyrics are really confusing. They haven’t seen my message yet, but I know they’ll get what I mean.
I even put it as my anthem on Tinder, which I thought made it pretty clear how I felt about laissez-faire economics, but I guess some people are just a bunch of snowflakes who want a free dinner in exchange for listening to me talk about Jordan Peterson for three hours.
Bitches, am I right?! Obviously, capitalism is the best thing about this country, and you aren’t allowed to challenge me about that because that’s a violation of my First Amendment rights.
So, bros, I hope this cleared up a few things for you. I wish I knew about this before I asked each of my matches who their favorite billionaire was. Also, don’t forget to swipe left on all the girls who have astrology in their bio. Just trust me on this one!