Hey ladies, this is Dude Corner. I heard there weren’t enough dude opinions on this site so I figured I’d write down some shit you’ve been doing wrong, but from a dude’s perspective. So we know you like to put dumb gloopy crap on your face, hair, and body in the hopes of getting us to fuck you with marriage, but guess what? You’re doing it all wrong. Here’s the top ten worst beauty fuckups you fartheads made this year:
10. No Makeup
Guys hate when girls wear makeup, obviously, but that doesn’t mean we like it when you don’t wear makeup. Maybe you should all figure out a way to simultaneously do both, but honestly, it’s too late—we already cut our dicks off just thinking about it.
Who are you, a cat from the musical Cats? I know about musicals, cuz I’m a girl now, cuz I cut my dick off.
8. Ombré Hair
What are you trying to do to us, make us take a knife and sever our erect penises from our bodies? Because we did. We all did. All blonde or no blonde.
7. Metallic Lips
This trend went straight from the runways and onto your faces, and straight from your faces onto our knives that cut off our dicks. We’re all gonna bleed out and die now, and it’ll be your fault.
6. Chunky Sandals
If you could wear a bloody crotch as a shoe, it would be this shoe. Because you wore these sandals, I have severed my penis from my body.
Our dicks took one look at this trend and said, “Nope.” We cut its head off and held its hand till it stopped breathing. R.I.P. our dicks.
4. Asymmetrical Haircuts
The coolest part about your hip haircuts is how they made our dicks turn inside out and fuck us to death, thus forcing us to cut off every piece of our genitalia in order to survive.
3. Karlie Kloss’s Bob
Once upon a time there was a supermodel who cut off her hair, along with everyone’s dicks. The End.
2. Milkmaid braids
What are you milking, the blood from my dickless crotch? Fuck you.
Oh hey, just wanted to tell you about this massive pile of dicks I saw in the town square. Oh, you didn’t hear? Everyone in the world cut their dicks off because of your purple fucking hair. Crazy, right? Anyway, gotta go cut my dick off—again.