Dolly Parton Can’t Die

White Woman Speaks:

Dolly Parton can’t die. She just can’t.


I’ve never lived in a Dolly-less world – have you? A world devoid of the smiling, inspiring, amazingly talented, funny, blonde, busty, outspoken, and supportive Dolly Parton? The amount of time I’ve spent dedicated to dreading such a dystopia needs to be better spent thinking up ways to avoid it.


She’s an icon, a legend, and an East Tennessean! But the sad fact is, Dolly Parton can die. And she’s liable to someday unless we step in and do something.


The woman is a national treasure and we should be investing our resources into preserving such a treasure just as we would any other national monument. Just think where we’d be as a society if we still had the Chiquita banana lady or the young Barbra Streisand! These two women combined do not add up to half of one Dolly Parton.


The good news for us Dollievers is that most of the external work has already been completed by Dolly herself through years of maintenance. Dolly herself has said that if she sees, “something saggin’, baggin’, or draggin’, I’m going to have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!”


Look at that amazing quote. Do you see what we’re dealing with here? A gem. And it must be protected at all costs.



So, while we’ve got outer-Dolly taken care of, we must now focus on keeping the inner-Dolly up and running. This is where we’ll need the most help. I’ve ruled out turning her into a vampire, since that process is known to alter a person’s demeanor and Dolly Parton’s vibrant character is 78% of what we’re trying desperately to keep alive. Our best bet right now is to find a potion like the one in Death Becomes Her. Don’t laugh, a lot of the “crazy” events of that movie have since come to pass, and the world needs more kooky dreamers like Dolly and me.


Dolly Parton is more than an outstanding artist with an amazing body of work. She’s a human Barbie doll, if Barbie had more personality, humor, and pizzazz. Let’s get the coalition to keep Dolly alive started. I propose an annual conference in Dollywood with a special summit where Dolly tells me how things are going with her and how she’s never gonna die, not now, not ever.


The work is going to be grueling, but it’s going to be worth it. As Dolly says, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!” So, bring on the rain haters, we’ve got a rainbow that we want to preserve.