It’s time to face the ugly truth: You have a uterus. And due to the results of the recent midterm election, the fetus that could occupy that uterus may currently have more rights than you do. But never fear! There is a way for you to defend your reproductive rights without coming off as just another pushy chick overwhelmed by hormones. Here’s how:
Suggest, but don’t demand.
Feel free to ask for what you want, but don’t claim that you “deserve” anything. At the end of the day, your elected officials know best. If they don’t, then why did you elect them? Oh, you didn’t vote? Welp.
Don’t use gross words like “vagina” or “fetus.”
Scientific terms have no place in politics or anywhere. Words like “vagina” or “uterus” or “my body” can be a real turn-off for policy makers. Try substituting with “the down-below fun hole,” “potential baby nest,” and “the vessel I inhabit, which I’d like to make decisions for, you know, if it’s not too much to ask.” When discussing the rights of a “fetus,” avoid both the pro-choice term “collection of cells” and the pro-right term “unborn baby,” and instead try the more politically correct “baby cells.”
Know how to “play the game.”
Sometimes your lawmakers like to play hard to get! They’re not going to give up all your rights at once just because you buy them dinner; you have to seduce them over time, with wine, chocolates, and campaign donations. But it doesn’t all have to seem like business; you can make it fun, too! Try spicing it up with the “you show me yours, I’ll show you mine game,” where “yours” is affordable birth control, and “mine” is “my ‘well it’s about damn time’ face.”
Don’t ask for too much at once.
The easiest way to come off as pushy is to demand all of your rights at the same time. Try starting slow, with access to affordable birth control before also asking for medical care and the right to decide what to do with the contents of your own uterus. And remember: you win some, you lose some! For every five rights you gain, expect three rights you already had to be taken away. It’s all part of the fun!
When you say “no,” don’t really mean it.
When you say, “No, I don’t want you to make my healthcare decisions for me,” expect your lawmakers to hear, “Come on in, boys, the legs are open!” After all, sometimes “no” does mean “yes,” if you know how to spot it. And some congressmen sure do know how to spot it! Politicians know that compromise is important, so if you say “no,” and they hear “yes,” settling on a solid, “maybe you should just trust us to make decisions for you” is a way for both sides to win!
Follow these tips, and you’re sure to maybe possibly get some of your reproductive rights back for a little bit. The mostly important thing is that you seem cool, calm, and collected no matter what. Because remember: the only time your vagina should seem pushy is when it is literally pushing out a baby.