Your new job is going great: your boss is nice, your workload is ideal, and everything is falling into place. Then one day, Stacy from HR ruins it with a snide comment about Queen Bey. Don’t panic! Working in this kind of hostile atmosphere will be incredibly difficult, but it’s not hopeless. Here are a few simple steps to help you cope.
Criticism of Beyoncé is proof that a person is crazy and should be treated like a crazy person. Pretend you don’t understand or imply that she misspoke. For example:
Stacy: I don’t like Beyoncé.
You: I am also lactose intolerant.
Stacy: I think her music is bad.
You: Yes, it’s not right how they treat those cows.
Stacy: No. I HATE Beyoncé!
You: You’re right, factory farming has no place in a civilized society.
2. Passive Aggressive Confrontation
You can’t fight her outright, that won’t do any good. But adding some “Drunk In Love” lyrics to your corporate email signature will send a clear message that you are a proud member of the Bey Hive. Subtly stoke her misguided hatred by signing every correspondence with “Best, Dara ‘We woke up in the kitchen like “How the **** did this *** happen?” Oh baby.’” Make sure you keep a paper trail of all her disrespectful language about Bey.
3. Cut Off The Coffee Supply
Nothing gets the point across like withholding caffeine. The coffee “Bills Bills Bills” don’t pay themselves, you do. And it looks like this nice perk of office culture is reserved for people who understand Beyoncé’s greatness. You’re not saying Stacy has to LOVE Beyoncé, she just has to acknowledge that she’s the greatest entertainer of all time. It’s just a respect thing.
4. Sabotage her tirelessly until she quits or is fired.
If she doesn’t get the message, you are totally within your rights as an employee to make her life a living hell. Provide her with inaccurate information so she misses important meetings. Have her kid’s soccer game just “happen” to conflict with the team-building karaoke night where all the deals really happen. Marry her brother, but imply you’re going to break his heart at some point. It’s important for you to feel comfortable in your work environment.
When push comes to shove, you’ve got to make your workplace a safe and healthy one, and that in no way can include someone who shit talks Yoncé.