Curly-Haired Woman Wearing Hat Basically Has to Get Buried in It Now

In a devastating story emerging from Brooklyn, New York, 26-year-old self-identified “curly queen” Bennie Priestly just put on a hat, which means she’s basically got to get buried in it now.


“I didn’t think twice about putting on the hat, but the second I felt it flatten my curls and shape to my head, I knew I had made a grave mistake,” Bennie told reporters gathered at the scene. “I can’t take the hat off now. It will remain with me for the rest of my life.”


Sources confirm that Hattie has a 3C hair type, which means she’s among the community required – if they ever wish to wear a hat – to be buried in that hat.


“It’s tough to watch this sort of thing happened to young people,” said local hair care expert Devon Schafer. “But it’s a sad fact of life that when you put on a hat with curly hair, your hair is very quickly molded to the shape of the hat. You can take it off, but your hair will never be the same, the only choices are to shower, thus resetting the hair – although that sort of thing can take hours, even days – or you can resign to getting buried in the hat.”


Bennie thought she may have worn the hat for a short enough period of time that she could get away with taking it off, but a quick look in the mirror confirmed her suspicions: the hat was going to be part of her daily uniform now.


“I looked like a British lawyer,” she said tearfully. “With one of those wigs. Do you know the wigs that I’m talking about?”


Sources confirm they do, and they’re sorry to hear it.


Situations like this are so common that some funeral services are now offering “hat care packages” for curly-haired corpses, such as “post-mortem hat shining” and “replacement hats” if patrons died in one that was not so nice.


“You’d think that just putting a hat on your head is some sort of minor decision, but it can have ramifications for the rest of your life,” Devon continued. “It’s not something that someone with curly hair can take lightly.”



Not everyone knows of these rules, however, which can make for some awkward situations.


“I thought a hat would pair well with my look this morning because my hair was a little disheveled,” said local 3A girlie Skylar Kreel, who barely but definitely made the cut into the curly-haired community required to wear their hats until the end of time. “Now everyone’s telling me I can’t take it off until I’m dead? How does that follow?”