In a game of tit-for-tat currently unfolding in your bedroom, the tag on the shirt you just got from Reformation states it can’t go into the dryer, which means it sure as hell isn’t going in the washing machine – or getting washed at all – any time soon, either.
“I appreciate where this garment is coming from when it says it does not want to be placed in the dryer,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “I’m happy that it is speaking up for its needs and demanding better treatment, but given this stance, I honestly have no clue how the fuck to wash it, so it simply will not get washed in the near future.”
Sources confirm the cute button-down shirt requires a gentle cold wash cycle followed by a lengthy air-dry process, which – all things considered– is not all that much to ask.
“We knew it would be too much to ask to make this shirt dry-clean only,” said Reformation representative Tanya Salas. “Dry-clean only means it’s never going to be cleaned – we at Reformation understand this. But we thought we’d settled on a perfect middle ground with this ‘machine wash, air dry’ situation. That’s honestly one less step than normal – no dryer – and you’re telling me it’s still too much?”
According to everyone reporters surveyed, “yes.”
“The problem is not that its ‘air dry only,’ per se. The problem is that it’s different,” you continued, touching on a fundamental tenet that underlays our society. “When I bring all my stuff to the laundromat to wash, dry, and fold it, I’ll have to remember that this shirt cannot be dried by the typical means. And for that reason alone, it will be an outcast.”
Sources confirm you will opt not to bring it to the laundromat most weeks, as you won’t have time to make a separate trip to collect the wet garment and bring it home to air dry while the other clothes are in the dryer. As a result, it will go unwashed once, then twice. Even this would not be a problem if you were not certain this cycle would repeat an infinite number of times.
“If the shirt is going to be all fussy about the dryer, it’s not getting washed. End of story,” you continued as if scolding a petulant child rather than a wool/cotton blend high-quality “going-out top.”
As of press time, you had forgotten that the shirt was air-dry only, put it in the dryer, and immediately shrunk it three sizes,
