As 29-year-old Neha Wright checked her mailbox and brought in the latest batch of bills, she realized the moment had finally arrived: Her childhood love of receiving a letter in the mail had officially been replaced with a very adult fear of receiving a letter in the mail.
“I used to lose my mind when I got something in the mail,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Now I still lose my mind, but in a negative sense. Like, a screaming and crying sense.”
Neha’s parents recall that as a kid, she would teem with excitement when she got a letter addressed to her and would run to open it.
“Most of the time it was something boring like a postcard from a cousin or a school paper,” Neha’s mother, Reema, told reporters. “But she’d check the mailbox every evening after school if she knew a letter was on the way.”
Now that she’s reached adulthood, seeing a letter in the mail sends a chill down Neha’s spine, and it’s sort of up in the air whether she will open it at all.
“It’s almost always my electric bill or a notice from my bank, two of the scariest things a girl can receive,” she continued. “I’m pretty sure that if I don’t open it, I can’t be legally held responsible for the contents!”
According to her bank, this is untrue, but when reporters tried to inform Neha of this, she simply closed her eyes, held her hands over her ears, and said, “Lalalalalalala.”
“It’s hard to imagine there was once a time where I loved receiving mail, because it meant $20 from my grandparents,” she continued. “Imagine opening mail and gaining money? That must’ve been awesome!”
Local children confirm it still is.
Now, Neha has taken to hiding from her mailman and arming herself – with a butter knife, nothing crazy – in the event he does stop at her house.
“She knows I can see her crouched in the corner, right?” her mailman, Greg McPhereson, asked. “She knows I can see the butter knife?”
Neha’s adulthood disdain for mail does not, however, apply to packages, which have retained their childlike wonder. If anything, Neha’s joy at receiving a package has only grown.
“Oh, yeah, letters and packages are very different,” Neha continued. “Letters are scary and packages are tiny little glimmers of hope that carry things like crop tops from Depop and skincare products. I’m super pro-package.”