Afrin Introduces New Bump of Cocaine

While Afrin has received pushback regarding the potentially addictive qualities of their nasal decongestant, the company has refused to address these concerns in any productive way. Instead, they’ve actually leaned into the accusations, introducing their latest product: a single key bump of cocaine.


“There’s no use hiding it anymore,” said Sam Harrison, a representative for the company. “If you really want to clear up those nostrils instantly, a key bump of cocaine is the quickest and most effective method. Let’s stop kidding ourselves.”


“In terms of clearing out your nasal passageways and saying ‘Fuck the consequences!’” Harrison added. “It goes cocaine number one; Afrin a close number two.” 


When asked if the product had any negative side effects, Harrison assured reporters that it wasn’t anything you wouldn’t see with enough prolonged Afrin use, anyway.


“If you want a nasal decongestant that you’ll maybe get addicted to, use Afrin,” he said. “But if you want the added benefit of seeming cool at parties, definitely go for the key bump of coke.”


The company’s latest offering has been flying off the shelves, with the biggest buyers being those who were previously hooked on Afrin, which makes sense.


“I knew it was only a matter of time before Rite Aid started slinging coke,” longtime Afrin user Regan Barnes told reporters. “I’m just happy that I can finally get all my drugs in one place now.”


However, other Afrin users have been more reluctant to try the company’s latest product.


“Usually, I’m an Afrin girlie all the way,” said avid Afrin consumer Carmen Villarreal. “And by ‘Afrin girlie’ I mean ‘super addicted to using Afrin.’ But, I don’t know, doing coke just seems a little intense, I guess? Sure, I use Afrin seven or eight times per day, and I never go anywhere without it, but switching to literal cocaine would just make my addiction feel too real.”


Local mom Dana Warners expressed similar doubts: “My kids really like the little squeeze bottle Afrin comes in. Will this come in the little squeeze bottle too? No? Just straight off the tip of a key? Well, then I’m afraid I just can’t offer that to my children.”



Board-certified pharmacists have almost universally condemned the product and urged consumers to stay away from it.


“It’s cocaine, people,” the American Pharmacists Association said in a statement released last week. “Don’t use it for medicinal purposes, only use it to get a little fucked up at a party. We shouldn’t even be saying that, really, but fuck it.”


The APA’s statement also indicated that they were worried about the negative side effects of Afrin’s nasal spray, too, but consumers didn’t really give a shit about that, even before the cocaine.