Soothing Teas to Burn the Shit Out of Your Tongue

There’s nothing more relaxing than cozying up by the fire with your favorite cup of tea during these harsh winter months. That is, until you actually take that first sip and irreversibly scald your mouth, leaving you with burnt taste buds that can’t identify the elaborate flavor you picked out for yourself. Enjoy these calming teas right before they destroy your tongue’s ability to feel anything ever again:


Pleasant Dreams Herbal Tea

An herbal tea can lift the spirits and revitalize the soul, and this Pleasant Dreams Herbal Tea should put you right to sleep if only you had waited another three minutes for it to cool off goddammit. But you didn’t, so now you’ll be kept awake with Disturbing Nightmares of Satanic shit going on in your enflamed mouth.


Organic Chamomile with Lavender

This tea will make you feel like you’re skipping through a fragrant field of daisies, until you drink it and immediately start to smell burning flesh. You’re not having a stroke, but you did just lose all of your active taste buds, and potentially a little bit of your purpose in life since you can no longer taste food.


Acai Blueberry White Tea

Acai berries are considered a “superfood” with their high levels of antioxidants, so a mug full of Acai Blueberry White Tea can turn your whole day around and empower you to get through the day. Except you’re too busy crying in a fetal position under your cubicle because the roof of your mouth just got bitch-slapped by a tea with a name that sounds like a religious cult disguised as a raw foods store in Santa Monica.



Peach Tranquility

A sweet, summer flavor like Peach Tranquility can quickly transport your mind to a picnic on the beach – it’s almost as if you can hear the waves crashing! Actually, those are your real, blood-curdling screams since you just tried to take a moderate-sized sip of your tea and you’re now making a scene at the local café, suffering from what seems like the world’s worst sunburn inside your mouth. You’ll never be able to form comprehensible words at the hot barista who works there, which you weren’t great at anyway, so it’s probably for the best.


Matcha Japanese Green Tea

The health benefits of Matcha Japanese Green Tea outnumber those of traditional green tea, which already has significant qualities to boost the mind and body. We hope this comes in handy when your tongue feels like you licked a hibachi grill. Good luck finding a new mouth.


These soothing teas will comfort you – in the sense that you can rely on them to always burn the shit out of your tongue. What else in your life has that kind of dependability? So grab a hot cup with both hands and enjoy your tongue’s suicide trap with a cup of tea!