So you found the perfect older man; he’s wealthy and mature enough from his recent divorce that he knows exactly what he wants. There’s only one problem: His kids are taking a lot of attention away from you! The good news is you don’t have to share him. Here are some surefire tips to show your new husband that there is only one true apple of his eye, and that’s you:
Do Better Cannonballs Than Them
Many times when at the pool, your husband keeps a hawk eye on his children for fear of them “drowning.” Not anymore! Remember to get a running start in your thong bikini and most importantly to shout, “CANNONBALL” at peak height. Even if you screw this up somehow, your cannonball will be better than Jacob’s. He has little kid coordination that messes up his landing almost every time. Good thing you’re a full eight years older than him!
Eat Your Whole Plate
These kids are so shitty they can’t even eat their whole plate. Look! Look at you! You even finished all of your broccoli! SUCK IT SOPHIE AND JACOB! You can’t even drink milk right.
Outshine Their Garbage Crayon Art
It is clear to you that the Crayola garbage these kids bring home from school is NOT art, and you could make better snowflake cutouts in your sleep. So do it! Make better snowflake cut outs. Sign each one of them with your initials and put them up all around the house, no matter the season. In no time your husband will go from saying, “How was your day at school today, kids?” to “Oooooo la la, I married a sexy mixed media artist!”
Brush Your Teeth
I know, you read this and think, “Do I have to?” Trust me, by not fibbing that you brushed your teeth, and actually doing it, you will be two steps ahead of those underage fakers. Your husband will smell your minty fresh breath and think, “Yea, my wife definitely has a clean mouth, cleaner than my dirty kid’s mouth. I want to hang out with her!” Make sure to tell on Sophie and Jacob every time you suspect they didn’t brush their teeth, so he doesn’t put gold stars next to their names on the chart in his closet that you’ve also added your name to.
Run Faster Than Sophie and Jacob
Take advantage of a nice family outing to the park and turn in into an all out Olympic battle of strength where the gold medal is your husband’s undivided attention. Use your adult legs and run as fast as you can in a 50-meter dash, leaving those dummies Sophie and Jacob in your grown-ass-woman dust. Remember to trash talk the entire time, or your husband may not notice that, “Jacob runs like a girl.”
Stand In Front Of Them
That’s right, stand directly in front of them. He can’t see them. They are way smaller, so use your height to your advantage. Out of sight, out of mind!
Armed with these tips you will never play second fiddle to anyone ever again! You hear that, Sophie and Jacob?! Give up the fiddle lessons…you cannot win.