CDC Panel of Experts Will Determine Vaccine Priority Based on Results of Beauty Pageant

In response to optimistic safety data from phase 3 vaccine clinical trials, the CDC is allocating the initial limited batches of vaccines to Americans to whom they deem to be queens of the big beauty pageant happening later this month.


Priority for the Covid-19 vaccine will be based on the results of the infamous personality, intelligence, talent, and swimsuit competition.


Many are debating which target demographics are the most susceptible and should receive the resource-limited vaccine first. However, the CDC has assured the public that they can trust an advisory panel of independent public health experts and pageant host Steve Harvey.


Pfizer and Moderna, the two leading pharmaceutical companies in late-stage clinical trials, have estimated they will have enough vaccines to more than 22.5 million Americans who demonstrate poise, grace, the ability to answer questions, and the figure to look amazing in bikinis.



“We want to make sure that, right away, the vaccine goes to empowered Americans who feel confident and know their self-worth,” shared CDC Director Robert R. Redfield. “There are 21 million healthcare workers and 3 million people living in long-term care facilities where 39% of covid-related deaths have occurred, so truly, may the best girls win.”


Regardless, the CDC can only provide recommendations, as priority groups are state-level decisions. Each state has the right to determine rules of local competitions, including age range, pageant questions, and whether the contestant attire judged will be gowns, bathing suits, or sportswear.


These competitions are typically multi-tiered, as regional competitions feeding into national pageants for the required second dose.


“The problem with women is they get so damn catty!” shared host Steve Harvey about the vaccine scarcity.


Many believe the vaccine should be given to a mix of essential workers, with a focus on Black and Hispanic people, who both represent a majority of this group and, as a whole, have been hurt disproportionately by the pandemic. They are even further disadvantaged by the pressure and out-of-pocket costs to conform to conventionally white beauty standards and being objectified by the very people who let them down throughout this whole pandemic.


When reached for comment, Dr. Redfield encouraged everyone to prepare accordingly and envision themselves on stage, imagining how empowered they would feel to be a Beauty Queen, wear a tiara, and win adaptive immunity to a devastating virus they so rightfully earned.