In a new recommendation, a surprisingly lonely Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that even after most Americans are fully vaccinated and social distancing guidelines are suspended, they hope people keep talking to them, thinking they’re important, and generally remembering that they exist.
“We’ve really appreciated all the attention that we’ve gotten over the last year,” said the CDC’s Director, Dr. Rochelle Walensky, in a statement shared meekly on the public health agency’s Close Friends Instagram story. “The New York Times calls us every day! The Washington Post TikTok guy is constantly making memes about us! There’s signs in public areas everywhere shouting out our latest stuff!”
“So, like, maybe this is weird,” Walensky continued while nervously twirling her hair, “but can everybody make sure to keep checking in on us even after this whole pandemic thing is over? Oh my God, that would be such a relief, haha.”
Since the World Health Organization declared the novel coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic on March 11, 2020, the CDC has played an unprecedented role in the public discourse of the United States — and kinda stopped hanging out with agencies like the Food and Drug Administration and the Environmental Protection Agency, having “made it.”
Just over a year later, CDC officials are acknowledging that things are changing. With the mass vaccination campaign reaching a turning point, the data is constantly shifting — and the CDC has pledged that they will continue following the science, as long as we all promise that we’re not gonna like, drop them or anything just because we’re not worried about COVID anymore.
“For sure, we get it, we’ve had a total moment lately and that can’t last forever,” said Dr. Anne Schuchat, the CDC’s Principal Deputy Director. “But guys, just like, I don’t know, be chill when we announce the end of the mask mandate. Don’t immediately unfollow us on Twitter, yknow? We swear we’ll have other stuff to talk about.”
When pressed for details, Schuchat said that post-pandemic, CDC fans can expect “some really cute diagrams about washing your hands we’ve been saving since 2019,” “classic throwback content from the Swine Flu and Ebola days,” and even “previews of other pandemics that might just be coming down the line!”
“So y’all, the pandemic ending could actually be a really cool next phase for the CDC,” Schuchat concluded, as much in an effort to convince herself as anyone else. “I’m excited! I’m excited.”
At press time, the CDC also announced that while indoor social gatherings are still not recommended, they hope to get the invite whenever they are.