Build a Lipstick Wardrobe That Says, ‘I Shoplift a Lot of Lipstick’

Most fashion-forward people value having a wide variety of options to choose from. They also value getting cool shit for free. Achieve both these goals by flaunting a lip color spectrum that defies both fashion rules and petty theft ordinances through the common style technique of shoplifting! Not only will your ever-changing rainbow of browns, mauves, reds, and plums allow you to show off your multifaceted personality, it will have everyone whispering, “Oh yeah, she definitely stole that.”


Rule #1: Mix high-end and drugstore products to create an air of badassery.

Shoplifting says, “I may be broke, but I like nice things.” Honor both sides of that paradigm by stealing from Nordstrom and Rite Aid in equal measure. Even the most glamorous grifters will acknowledge that there’s no thrill like the drugstore grab. Still, there’s a certain air of cool that emanates from a chick who can walk away from a fancy cosmetics counter with a little extra weight in her pockets. Many of your edgy lip looks will be feathery, patchy, and cheap. But the occasional burst of luxurious, buttery lip color will keep everyone guessing!


Rule #2: Make some terrible color choices.

There’s no such thing as a discriminating shoplifter. The art of the take is not so much an “art” as an “act of desperation that serves as a frantic coping mechanism for thinly-veiled and likely pathological impulse control issues,” so some of your choices need to appear like they were made under the watchful eye of Sephora’s security cams. Make sure your collection includes some ultra-80s frosty nudes, butthole browns, and bright reds with unflattering orangey undertones to achieve the look of an experimental “not afraid to go there” shoplifter type.



Rule #3: Incorporate several barely-distinguishable variations on the exact same shade.

Remember that true serial shoplifters are all about scoring as many glosses, stains, balms, and sticks as possible under a high-pressure time constraint—and being fashion-forward means having a signature look that still boasts some variety. So if your lipstick wardrobe is built around raspberry shades, make sure you have one with blue undertones, one that leans fuchsia, one with a hint of shimmer, one that’s almost black, and one so nostalgically tacky it makes you want to call your swoon-worthy eighth-grade lab partner Jeremy Kouschoz and see what he’s up to these days.


Rule #4: Pout away!

Lest anyone forget that you’re a glamorous, anti-establishment diva, make sure to draw constant attention to your well-dressed lips. A great way to do this is by sporting business-casual duckface wherever you go. An intentionally puffy pout can also help you save face while suffering from those pesky allergic reactions to expired clearance bin lip products.


Now, do you actually have to lift all your lipsticks? That’s up to you. These cosmetic wardrobe-building tips are more about the suggestion that you’re a rule-breaker, like a leather jacket for your face. No matter how you decide to acquire your collection, rest assured that you too can look fun, cool, and fashion-forward in the exact same way as an edgy middle-schooler.