Breaking: Audrey’s Claims of Being Celibate by Choice Found to be Untrue

Facing the realities of a “dry spell” can be challenging for some: 28-year-old Seattle resident Audrey Marino coped with that challenge during a recent dinner party by claiming she was “celibate by choice.”


Friends at the party were quick to question the claim of their normally sex-crazed friend.


“I just think it’s time for me to take a break from sex,” said an always-on-the-prowl Audrey. “I’m taking time for me right now,” she falsely claimed.


Friends in attendance immediately refuted her untrue claim, reporting that just last week she lamented, “I literally can’t function if I’m not regularly fucking.”


“I tried abstaining for a month once, but I got so desperate I seriously considered screwing a distant cousin,” said friend Shelly Li. “And I don’t even have a fraction of Audrey’s sex drive.”


“Oh, girlfriend texted two exes right at the dinner table,” says friend Lori Chazinski. “Over dessert I even saw her slipping into the DMs of the girl she experimented with in college.”


Audrey complained multiple times during dinner that she can’t seem to meet any men and when any guy was mentioned she immediately asked if they were single.


“Last year when I said I was taking a break from dating, Audrey bluntly pointed out that that break would end the second I found someone passable,” Friend Mona Francis said. “She knows exactly what’s happening here.”



Despite friends knowing that Audrey’s choice to be celibate is a lie, it’s clear she has no intention of telling the truth about her empty roster.


“I’m enjoying my solitude,” said Audrey, who recently joined a ZogSports league.


Lori Chazinski told reporters, “The only thing Audrey is choosing to be celibate from is the truth.”