Jess Just Sent a Barrage of Passive-Aggressive Voice Memos, So That’s What You’re Dealing With Today

Like many women, you work an intense, demanding job, and manage a team of employees whose livelihoods depend on you kicking ass all day long. But today, none of that matters because your friend Jess just sent you 12—wait, make that 13—passive-aggressive voice memos, so you’ll be fielding those for the next four to six hours. Sorry!


In a series of memos totaling to 93 seconds of Jess rambling, you were passive-aggressively accused of being “so busy these days,” and “maybe just a different person than you were when [you and Jess] first became friends.” While your longtime pal didn’t outright tell you what was bothering her, she did mention supporting you through your nasty 2012 breakup enough times to sufficiently guilt-trip you.


So long, 90-point to-do list—you’re officially playing second fiddle to Jess’ midday feeling attack!


Table any normal work tasks you were looking to accomplish, because Jess just said she has “a bunch of meditations on our friendship that have been floating around my mind,” and they’re being shared right this second. This is what you get paid the big bucks for, baby!


It’s unclear why Jess apparently decided an onslaught of four to 15-second voice notes was the best way to address her mounting problems with you. While texts, email, a phone call—dare we suggest an IRL conversation, as you live in the same city and all—were all viable options, Jess selected the most day-disrupting and unresolved method she could think of. And the best part? If you don’t respond immediately, Jess is going to get even more pissed at you! See you later, packed afternoon of back-to-back meetings, hello whatever the fuck this is!


What began as a routine, if busy day has been forever rebranded as that day Jess randomly sent a straight-up avalanche of unscripted, off-the-cuff musings on the gradual demise of your friendship.



Tight and cool!


Should you reply with more voice memos, since that’s the conversation format you’re currently working with? Or just pretend like you didn’t hear them and they all disappeared after two minutes? Or just ask to grab a drink and talk it all out face-to-face? We have no fucking clue! Those are questions you’ll be dealing with today instead of writing that presentation you’re giving to the board tomorrow morning. Good luck!