How to Keep Your Relationship Alive So You Can Keep Using His Printer

He feels like the relationship has run its course and can’t commit. Well, you can’t commit ei-ther… to a Hewlett-Packard printer on clearance at Target! You’ve just been using your guy’s printer, and you don’t want to stop now. Here are some simple steps to keep your man around right when it’s convenient for you and your document needs!


Do Activities Together That Involve Printing Tickets

You really want to go to this concert, so just invite him so that you can use his printer to print your tickets. Plus, while he’s off placing the tickets in his leather messenger bag, you can sneak a quick print of your most recently updated resume. It’ll be worth keeping this dying relationship alive!


Role Play as a Sexy Secretary

Keep all of the action happening in his home office for the authenticity! That way, you can also seductively print off those forms you need to bring to your doctors office! Whisper, “Mr. Johnson, I need your signature…right…here,” then have him be your emergency contact. That automati-cally adds at least five more months to your relationship.



Encourage His Writing Projects

This might be hard, but offer to proofread his groundbreaking collection of essays about a boy growing up in middle America that he’s been meaning to write since before you got together. He’ll be so delighted at your encouragement he’ll have no idea you’re also printing off copies of the screenplay you wrote that stars a strong, independent female lead that he thinks is “dumb” and “not worth the paper.” What an asshole –– an asshole with a reliable laser printer!


If you’re worried about keeping this bad thing going any longer, just remember: You’re an inde-pendent woman who doesn’t need help from any man to get by, except for, like, this one thing!