Before You Do These 3 Things, Do These Other 3 Things

There are three things that every woman needs to do for maximum life success, or else. But first, she has to do three other things, or everything is really going to go down the toilet, and not a weak little Swedish water-saver toilet. Like a full-on, 80s flush, Texas airport bathroom toilet. Ka-dooosh! So pay attention to these three things followed by three other things:


Smile. Okay not so fast. There’s one thing you for sure have to do before you smile, because if you don’t then you’re doomed: make sure you feel beautiful. And we don’t mean beautiful in a conventionally beautiful way as defined and validated by any common moron taking pictures of skyscrapers. Conventionally beautiful women are boring, shallow, and not good, and we know this because the phrase “conventionally beautiful” is a widely accepted diss, and we know this because the phrase “conventionally ugly” isn’t okay, but “unconventionally beautiful” is, which is a bit of a stretch in some cases, but this is the reality of modern life, and what it teaches us is what we’ve always known, which is that there are very specific ways that women should be beautiful, and whatever way you’re trying to do it, it’s probably wrong. But that’s okay. What matters is how you feel. Okay, now you can smile.



Go forth. Take your goals, your dreams, your smile and your belief in yourself, and charge out there into the world and start manifesting your reality! But wait, do you have your phone? Find your phone. Where is it? And did you charge it up? Why isn’t it in your pocket? You always leave it in that pocket. Okay, go get your laptop. Do the whole “find my iPhone” thing. Can you hear your phone pinging? Oh there it is, under a pile of laundry. How did it get there? Is that a clean or a dirty pile of laundry? Do the sniff test. It’s clean. But why is it all rumpled like that? Maybe it is dirty. Whatever, you can always wash it again. Wait, let’s see what Instagram is doing. Oh god. Her. Seriously, stop it. There’s some spaghetti. Nice. Oh look, Kent is texting you. Um, okay. It’s just a picture of a rattlesnake. What does that even mean? Does he want to get back together? Just ignore him. Do Not Let This Ruin Your Whole Day. Even though he’s probably texting pictures of wildlife to all his ambiguous maybe-exes right now. Just ignore it. You’re not going backward; you’re going forth. You’re going to Target. You have your phone. You’re going to buy a bag of socks, god damn it, and nobody can stop you. Go forth, phone-haver!


Believe in yourself! But first, make sure that you actually exist. This can be tricky, so don’t rush the proof. Some people go the “I think, therefore I am,” route. Those people need to learn about plagiarism. And anyway, what does that really mean? And how do we know that ghosts don’t think? And if ghosts think, wouldn’t that mean that they exist? But only a fraction of the living population believes in ghosts anyway, so does it even matter if they exist? What if I believe in myself but nobody else believes in me? Would that mean I’m dead and I’m the only one who doesn’t know? But then why are my calves so tight all the time? You can see that these are difficult questions. But if you believe in yourself enough that you believe you can find the answer to the question about whether or not you exist enough to where you can believe in yourself, then you’re halfway there! Believe!



Now that you feel beautiful, have found your phone, and are positive you are actually real, it’s time for you to smile, go forth, and believe in yourself! So what are you waiting for? Get out there! But first, read this article again, spin in three circles, pat your belly, and say, “I’m a good, good girl.” Get it, girl!