ASK A MAN, with Mullah Mohammed Omar

Mullah Mohammed Omar, the spiritual leader of the Taliban, answers your questions on life and love.

Dear Mullah,

Recently, I went on a date with a guy I met online. We had a great time; talked for hours, kissed goodbye, and agree to meet up again soon. It’s been five days and I haven’t heard from him. Did I do something wrong? What should be my next move?

–       Confused in Kansas


Dear Confused in Kansas,

Of course you did something wrong, you silly, silly woman. Clearly, you left your house unaccompanied by a close male relative, and it seems you might have even shown your face to someone other than your husband. These offenses have serious repercussions. You probably haven’t heard from your “date” because he is out gathering rocks to publicly stone you in the town square.

Also, where did you learn to use a computer? Are you currently, or have you ever attended a school? This too, is punishable by violent death. Even more violent than stones. Something with guns, or whips, depending on how deeply you have transgressed. My advice is to surrender your electronic devices to the dominant male figure in your household, and yourself to the government, who will determine the appropriate disciplinary course for your lecherous and dissident behavior. Good luck!

–       Mohammed Omar




Dear MMO,

Three weeks ago, my best friend interviewed for a job and didn’t get it. Now, I’ve been offered a great position with the same company that rejected her (I didn’t apply, they sought me out). Do I need her permission to take the job? And if not, how do I break the news?

–       Worst Friend Ever


Dear Worst Friend Ever,

You are defying Sharia law by working and should be taught a brutal and potentially fatal lesson. You must turn down the job, go home to your dark pit, enclose yourself in your own fear and distress until your final days. If you ever think of working again you must ask your male relatives to cut off your ears and nose. God is great!

–       Mohammed Omar