Water is boring. It’s time we all admitted it. It tastes like nothing, it looks like nothing, and it smells like nothing. It’s nice when it’s in the shape of an ocean or a bubble bath, but when it’s put into a cup or bottle it transforms into something nearly unbearable in spite of the fact that we absolutely must drink it to survive. Here are some tips and tricks for staying hydrated even though drinking water is literally the most boring thing.
Host a water party
Incorporate water slides, Nerf guns, and sexy car washes. But don’t let these noble uses of water distract you—you’re there for strictly business. Finish the night with a water-drinking contest. Remember that alcohol dehydrates, so this should be a sober party. If you can’t bear the sight of a glass of water sober, try smoking weed—the dry mouth will make you thirsty, and you’ll be so eager to get everyone out of your apartment so you can watch Spirited Away in bed that you won’t postpone the hydration.
Play with food coloring.
Water is barely visible, which is confusing and untrustworthy. For all you know, there could just be air in that bottle, and what do you do then? But dump some Red 40 in there, and you know exactly what you’re dealing with!
Try a new position.
Everyone gets bored repeating the same thing, so spice it up! Get a little dirty by drinking water somewhere no one would expect, like in the back of a seedy bar or in the shower. Consider introducing a third (maybe a powdered lemonade packet?). Remember to stretch.
Appeal to your vanity.
Remember that water will keep your skin elastic and soft like a stress ball. If it comes to it, Google Image those people who over-tan and look 80 at 30. If you don’t chug, that could be you, even though their lives are probably more full of joy and excitement than yours while you’re drinking clear yuck.
Create a schedule.
Set an alarm reminding you to take one sip of water every five minutes. This can sometimes be more bearable than going in blind, sipping a potentially infinite number of sips. Small doses with established boundaries will eradicate the fear of the unknown, and the fear of having to do the most boring thing in the world every day for the rest of your life lest you shrivel up and die.
Go easy on yourself.
Remember that many great celebrities didn’t get their start drinking water until they were at least your age. Leonard Cohen didn’t drink water until he was 33! It’s not too late for you!
Pretend you’re drinking Mountain Dew.
If you have a good imagination, this should fix everything.
Good luck on your journey to hydration! But if it doesn’t work out, coffee’s probably fine.