REPORT: Your Back Hurts Because of How You’re Sitting Right Now

In a developing story out of your “home office,” your back is hurting because you’re sitting in an absolutely idiotic position right now.


“Even sitting with good posture for long periods of time can be bad for you,” says literally everyone. “But sitting the way you’re sitting right now is going to fuck you up way faster because you’re shaped like a literal C.”


As you sat slouched on your couch, shoulders hunched, with your work laptop mere inches from your face, you wondered why every vertebra seems to be aching and wonder why the ibuprofen hasn’t really worked today.


“Have you tried sitting up even once?” wonders everyone reading this. “Or do you expect the ibuprofen to do that for you, too?”


While the idea of sitting up does sound enticing, it’s been a long day so far, and you really just want to focus that energy on work – even though you’re pretty distracted by this fucking back pain.



“Maybe there are some herbs I should try, I don’t know,” you say. “Or like some kind of special pillow that will fix this?”


At press time, you were seen shopping for an off-brand Theragun and a new mattress to fix this problem once and for all.


Literally, everyone confirms that it absolutely won’t.