8 Things You’re Definitely Not Doing with Coconut Oil

By now, you probably know about all the fabulous uses for virgin coconut oil—but what about the things that no one has thought about using it for? Unexpected uses for VCO could bring some flair to your career, your web presence, and even your weekly phone calls to your mom. Try these tips to push your favorite miracle potion past what every other basic bitch on Pinterest has thought of:


1. Gross-colored glasses.

Coat the lenses of your glasses in a thick smear of coconut oil. No, it won’t clean them or condition your adorkable plastic frames, but it will make them very hard to see through. Now that’s something that Hannah from your book club hasn’t done!


2. Greet guests with goo.

Keep a large, uncovered bowl of VCO in your foyer. Choose a beautiful artisan vessel, like a hand-hammered copper bowl, or even an upcycled Country Crock jumbo tub. This won’t just imbue the air in your home with healthy triglycerides—it will imbue your soul with the spirit of trailblazing.


3. Confuse Kitty.

Melt a fat glob in a spoon over a candle and drizzle it in your cat’s litter box. What better way to condition Mittens’ paws while she makes her butt-biscuits?


4. Fatten up your man.

Set out a bowl of tortilla chip with a ramekin of room-temp coconut oil. He’s been a little high and mighty about his ability to drop weight in a flash, and this is the perfect way to let those love handles creep up on him.


5. Mystify future generations.

Fill a mason jar with the finest organic coconut oil from Whole Foods and bury it in your yard. This is one time capsule that will really make people think.



6. Fool onlookers.

Load a fancy margarita glass with coconut oil and top with a fun paper umbrella and a wedge of lime. Then, sit on your front porch and drink it. From a distance, people will think that you’re quaffing a creamy and tropical piña colada. The joke’s on them!

7. Do weird vagina stuff.

Fill your vajay with a hearty spoonful for a slick lube that stains your sheets and breaks down latex. When your partner asks what the hell happened to the condom, simply decant your lady clam into a Garfield coffee mug and say, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”


8. Be a guerilla Samaritan.

Remove makeup—not yours, but other people’s! Just run up to any made-up gal on the street and swipe her face with a handful of VCO. When she protests, tell her, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts!” She’ll be upset, but radiant.


We guarantee that you’ll surprise and disappoint people with these fun coconut oil hacks. If you come up with your own gem, just be sure to check it against the literally thousands of uses on the internet—no one likes a copy cat!