Every Thanksgiving we make the pilgrimage from our dirty, but cultured cities to our quieter hometowns. What these small towns lack in craft breweries and vodka bars, they make up for in the drinking holes frequented by that girl you went to high school with, Jessica Stackhouse. You remember Jessica; she got that tennis scholarship to Penn State and then lost it after getting her stomach pumped at the homecoming game. Though she hasn’t had a steady job since she worked at Coldstone Creamery the summer before junior year, she still knows how to party. Here are the five hottest bars in your hometown, according to Jessica:
Jadene and Eli Patterson won the Powerball in 1981 and used their winnings to open up a piano bar to pay tribute to their favorite soft rock star, Billy Joel. They never got around to getting that piano but they do offer watery gin and tonics for $4.50.
T-Bird Lanes and Suds
This combination Bowling Alley and Laundromat has it all: Stuffed crust hotdogs, Coors Light on tap– hell, they even put dryer sheets in the rent-a-shoes! Pro tip from Jess: You can buy detergent at the bar, but you can’t get a beer from the guy who changes out dollars for quarters. “Who the fuck does he think he is? Howie Mandel?” We think she meant the banker from Deal or No Deal? Don’t fight it. She doesn’t get many wins.
Started by two former Hell’s Angels named Scorpion and Frog, this bar never has any ice. We get the sense we shouldn’t be here.
The Wal-Mart on Sporting Hill Road
It’s the morning of Thanksgiving and you’re just running a few last-minute errands when you run into Jessica. This isn’t technically a bar, but Jessica knows all the security cameras’ blind spots in the liquor aisle (that’s right – they really sell liquor in Wal-Marts back home). She swipes a fifth of Pinnacle whipped cream vodka from the shelf, but you decline her offer. Maybe she needs a ride home? To her family’s house? She declines, saying they can go fuck themselves after last year.
Buffalo Wild Wings
Jessica’s uncle actually owns the only Buffalo Wild Wings franchise in town, where Jessica currently works as a hostess. Since she’s never left town, she doesn’t realize that it’s a chain. She suggests a draft of half Shipyard Pumpkin Head and half Magner’s Cider. Jessica claims it tastes just like a pumpkin pie. If you’re really committed, pair it with a shot of Pinnacle whipped cream vodka.
You may be missing your usual drinking haunts over this Thanksgiving vacation. But don’t worry, Jessica’s got you covered.